


You Make Me Brave

by actualborealis



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: #PetraRalDeservedBetter, Canon Divergance, F/M, Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Reader is a BAMF, We're all just here for Erwin's eyebrows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-10 21:06:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 33,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11699904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actualborealis/pseuds/actualborealis
Summary: Graduating third in her class, Cadet (L/N) joins the Survey Corps with hopes for humanity's future that are seemingly crushed when she loses her entire team, and Team Leader, on her very first expedition beyond the Walls. Searching to piece those dreams back together, to reaffirm her reasons for donning the Wings of Freedom, she finds her courage in the arms of a prickly, cleaning-obsessed Team Leader quickly rising through the Corp's ranks. They're joined together by the horrors they've seen, the pain they share, and - peculiarly - a cat.





	1. Cadet Whiskers

**Author's Note:**

> Our story begins when Humanity's Strongest is merely a Team Leader, though we will see him very swiftly promoted to Captain. The plotline will not wind up being 100 percent true to the events that take place in both the manga and the anime, but will at least follow loosely. Please enjoy!

Four little white paws carried a small orange tabby body into the cadet’s quarters. He was greeted by the sounds of people turning over or softly snoring. Tail waving and curling in contentedness, he sniffed the air, pink nose twitching. He followed the scent of his human to her cot. You weren't asleep yet. You were waiting for him. He crouched low and sprung up beside you, patient as you wriggled an arm free from your blanket to lift it for him. The cat slid under on his belly and nestled up against your navel. Your hand rested lightly on his soft fur and you allowed yourself to be lulled to sleep by the gentle vibration of his purr. Your silent agreement to share the safety and (meager) warmth of your bed had gone on for close to four months. You never had to wait long after you'd extinguished your candle and climbed into bed before your companion would join you. Lately you weren't able to sleep until he was at your side.

As for the rest of the cadets, they didn’t mind the cat’s presence. Their barracks were kept rodent-free and the majority of them were always greeted with a lifted tail and a nuzzle. Even Commander Erwin Smith seemed pleased, if not occasionally amused, by the Survey Corps’ resident pet. However, it was known he was first and foremost Cadet (L/N)’s cat. He could be found winding between your feet at the mess hall, following you down corridors, perched in the stables while you tended your horse and his stall, and watching you work on the training field. And when you were beyond Wall Maria, in Titan territory, you'd had him to look forward to. Eventually you even felt secure enough to make him seem permanent, giving him a name: Cadet Whiskers.

Slowly, the rest of the Corps picked up on the name. Cadet Whiskers was the one soldier who didn’t have to ride into Titan territory. Cadet Whiskers was something they could count on to always be there, something that couldn’t be said for any other cadet. That meant something to everyone, including the ones that weren’t particularly fond of Cadet Whiskers to begin with. Sometimes, when he was sure no one was watching, even Team Leader Levi Ackerman would pause to scratch Cadet Whiskers under the chin. The first time anyone caught him at it was the day the Corps returned from a brutal expedition outside: your very first. Levi sat with his back against the wall, disinterested gaze fixed on the opposite wall, one leg stretched out in front of him and the other propped up. He was stroking Cadet Whiskers slowly, almost as though he were doing it completely unconsciously. You rounded the corner searching for your cat and paused when you saw them. Instead of interrupting, you elected to back away quietly.

“(L/N).” Levi’s sharp voice froze you in your tracks. He tilted his head towards you, steel gaze cold on your face. “Come get your damn cat.”

“Yes sir.” You paced down the corridor and stooped to lift Cadet Whiskers into your arms, and the feline was not at all opposed, his purring growing louder. Levi draped his arm over his raised knee, appraising you as you made your way towards the barracks, inhaling sharply when a spike of pain reminded him of his cracked ribs. _Damn._

* * *

Candle snuffed and jacket removed, you lowered yourself onto your stiff mattress. The scrapes and bruises would be easy to live with. It was everything else you'd struggle with, especially as darkness closed in and you were left with nothing to distract yourself. You closed your eyes and waited. But several minutes passed and the familiar thump of Cadet Whiskers leaping up with you hadn’t come. Had you not been in need of him, you might have let it go for a night. You might have tried to sleep on your own, battling Titans over and over in your dreams. Tonight, though, you couldn’t. You fumbled with a match to relight your candle and got up, carrying it with you so you didn’t knock into anything on your search for the cat. There were several places throughout headquarters where Cadet Whiskers was considered a regular fixture, his favorite spots. Unsurprisingly, the kitchens happened to be one of them; the cadets on kitchen duty loved to feed him scraps.

You hadn’t quite made it all the way there when someone’s voice rang out in the hallway behind you, bringing you to an abrupt and somewhat sheepish halt. You slowly turned around, lifting your candle slightly to confirm the speaker’s identity, though with _that_ tone of voice it wasn’t entirely necessary.

“What the hell are you doing out of bed at this hour, brat?” Team Leader Levi looked slightly more annoyed than usual.

“I’m…” There was no point in lying to him. “I’m looking for… Cadet Whiskers, sir. He always sleeps with me. It’s…” _It’s difficult to sleep without him._ If there was a shred of understanding or sympathy behind Levi’s eyes, you couldn’t detect it.

“Tch.” His way of acknowledging while remaining completely unreadable. “Go back to your quarters, idiot. It’s the middle of the fucking night.”

Dismayed, but unable to bring yourself to disobey a direct order, you saluted your superior and trudged back to the barracks. You blew out your candle and climbed into bed, tugging the blanket up over your battered frame. It was already much colder than you were accustomed to, and you tucked your knees up to your chest. You squeezed your (E/C) eyes shut and hoped that if you tried hard enough, you'd just sleep. You didn’t know how long you'd been lying there when the soft shuffle of footsteps broke through the still air. Your mattress dipped lightly as something was set on top of it; something that pawed at the blanket you held tightly to, trying to get beneath it. You blinked open your eyes and when they focused, you registered Cadet Whiskers, allowing him under the covers while staring in mild disbelief at the retreating shoulders of Levi Ackerman.

“Thank you,” you whispered, positive he wouldn’t hear you.

“Tch,” he responded nonetheless. You settled back down, bandaged hand resting on Cadet Whiskers’ pelt, fingers rubbing his fur until sleep claimed you.

_Sunlight pierced the veil of blackness surrounding you. The thundering of horse’s hooves filled your ears. Your body was thrown this way and that, the charging stallion beneath you pounding over the terrain in formation. Ahead of you rode Team Leader Feld, and riding with you was your team: Arnold Glass, Frieda Katz, and Oswald Volk. You sucked in a mouthful of fresh summer air. Wind tossed your (H/L) (H/C) hair about, the feeling of freedom overcoming you. It was in that moment you were reminded what you were fighting for: humanity’s chance to live a life outside the confines of the Walls. Had your formation not been an absolute necessity, that elation would have caused you to urge your horse to run faster and farther than you'd ever dreamed. You felt, for a brief moment, invincible._

_“Hey, (F/N)!” Frieda called to you, a big smile plastered on her pretty face, auburn ponytail swinging behind her head. “Not bad for our first mission, huh?”_

_“I’ll say!” Oswald chimed in from behind, sitting up in his stirrups slightly. “Riding for hours and not one Titan in sight!”_

_“Don’t jinx it, you asshole!” Arnold scoffed at your left side. “It’s too flat here. You fuck this up for us now, we’re so screwed. At least say shit like that where we have the chance to use our 3DM gear.”_

_“We’ll be alright,” Team Leader Feld called over his shoulder in a dry voice. “The four of you will talk the Titans to death, I’m sure.”_

_Their laughter carried on the breeze. In the back of your head, you told yourself that you should not be so carefree, but you then dismissed the thought lazily with a smile. You deserved the distraction after everything you'd been through and the expedition was going so well. Even Feld seemed to be relaxing. The nervous thoughts circled back around._ Why are we letting our guard down? Aren’t we in danger? _And you shrugged them off again. You shouldn’t have. A black flare spiraled into the sky not far from your position. Cold reality set in again. Thunderous footfalls shook the very ground beneath you as a particularly large, grotesquely disproportionate Titan sprinted towards you. It was moving too quickly to outrun and seemed too nimble to outmaneuver. The closer it came to catching up to you, the clearer it was that there was little choice but to engage._

_“Listen to me!” Feld shouted for your team's attention, fumbling with the flares and firing one of his black ones into the sky above. “I’ll take care of this! Follow the Commander’s lead and return to the Walls, all of you! That’s a fucking order!”_

_“Yes sir!” But despite the fierce passion of your chorus, your voices were shaking. Each of you knew what this meant for your Team Leader. He fell back behind you as you pushed forward desperately, absolutely none of you wanting to turn around and watch what was happening behind you._

_You chanced a look over your shoulder and regretted it almost instantly, watching the hand of the Titan close around Feld and lift him up, squeezing the life out of him. You could hear the cracking of his bones ringing in your ears._ Oh god. _Your breath hitched. The Titan took his head with a single bloody bite and you spun back around, tears stinging your eyes. Of course, it had to be Frieda that couldn’t follow orders. She shrieked something you couldn’t process and turned her horse around, charging for the Aberrant brashly. She hardly even had time to ready her gear; the monster swung its foot and actually kicked Frieda’s horse, sending it and its rider flying. They crashed into Arnold, taking him down with them, Frieda’s horse crushing them both seconds before the Titan’s foot also crushed them._

_“DON’T!” Oswald screamed at you, sensing you were a half second from turning back to avenge your friends. He knew you all too well. “WE CAN’T! WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING! KEEP FUCKING GOING, (F/N)!”_

_You sobbed, fixing your eyes ahead of you, too afraid and too guilty to look back. You became distantly aware of the fact that Oswald had purposefully fallen behind. You heard the thud that came from his efforts to take out the Titan’s achilles tendons. You also heard him scream at you to keep going as the Titan’s outstretched hand closed around him. Then you didn’t hear him, and you knew._

Your eyes snapped open without you even realizing they’d been closed. Sunbathed, bloodsoaked Titan territory faded away and was replaced with the cadet’s quarters. Something soft purred against your belly. Cadet Whiskers grounded you in the here and now. Your team and your leader were dead. You were alive. You weren't really sure how you felt about that. Pushing yourself to sit up, you realized it was still dark and everyone was soundly asleep. It couldn’t be any later than two or three in the morning. Your cat didn’t move an inch as you swung your legs to dangle off the edge of your cot. It wasn’t likely you'd fall back asleep anytime soon.

“Damn.” You exhaled slowly and got up, relighting your candle for the second time that night, taking it with you as you moved for the kitchens. What you could use more than anything was a hot cup of tea, and the peace and quiet of the early morning. One of the two was sure to still the frantic beating of your heart. It pounded against your ribs so hard that as you wound your way through your quarters and down the hall, you were certain someone would be woken by the sound. 

This time, you made it all the way to the kitchens and halfway through your first sip of tea before you were interrupted. 

"It's still the middle of the fucking night." Levi hardly even glanced your way as he strode into the kitchen and busied himself with the kettle. You searched for words, but found none and settled on watching him as he rifled through cabinets, inspecting teacups and turning up his nose with distaste at several before he found one he decided was clean enough. He didn't look at you, but he spoke again. "Chamomile."

"Sir?" you asked hesitantly.

"You're drinking that shitty citrus tea," he scoffed and for a second you were about to get defensive about your taste in tea. "Chamomile would help you sleep." 

_Oh._

The Team Leader held his hand out expectantly for your now-mostly-empty teacup and you passed it over. He rinsed it out, scrubbing the porcelain and drying it off before filling it, filling his own right after. A minute later, he was turned back to you, holding his cup by the rim the way he always did. You shuffled over and lifted your cup. The scent alone relaxed your tense muscles and when the liquid passed through your lips, the warmth took root inside your stomach, spreading to the edges of your body. The pair of you stood in relative silence while you drank your tea. He finished his first and left his cup on the counter, his feet carrying him to the door. He paused at the frame of it, just barely looking over his shoulder, gaze disinterested as usual.

"Those cups had better be spotless in the morning." 

And he was gone, leaving you to finish your tea, clean up, and return to bed. Cadet Whiskers was waiting for you, stretching his head up to rub his cheek against your hand. You lost yourself in the motions of stroking his fur for a second before you blew out your candle and climbed under the blankets, the scent of chamomile still thick in your nostrils, lulling you into a blissfully dreamless sleep.


	2. Cause and Effect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) reminds herself what she's fighting for, and takes her frustrations out on an unsuspecting practice dummy.

The fragrant scent of straw filled your nostrils the moment you set foot in the stables. You were, you could be certain, the only cadet that didn't particularly mind being put on stable duty. It wasn't that mucking out stalls didn't gross you out - of course it did. But you liked the horses, and you liked the warmth of the building, and you liked the people that staffed the stables. Once, the equine veterinarian on duty allowed you to be present during the birth of a new foal; and when the farrier came from town to look after the horses' hooves, he let you watch him work. On those rare days when your superiors were caught up in meetings and the soldiers had the afternoons to themselves, you could be found with the horses, perhaps perched on a tack box or sprawled in a pile of hay. It was the soft nickering of your horse that brought you back to the present day. A smile tugged on your lips as you came to his stall and scratched beneath his chin, your other hand rubbing his velvety nose. He snorted excitedly and dipped his head, nudging at your pockets in search of your usual contraband. You laughed and dug your hand into your pocket, retrieving sugar cubes swiped from the kitchens that morning.

"Keep your voice down, Sebastian," you told him as sternly as you could. "I can't keep bringing you these if you get me caught." He made another blowing noise in response and you leaned your head against his for a second before straightening up. 

Handkerchief tied around your neck and tugged up over your nose to guard against the smell of manure, you began mucking stalls, working your way down your assigned section in just under two hours. With over 600 horses belonging to the Survey Corps, you were fortunate that there was several others running through their own list of stalls, or else you'd have been working nonstop for _days_ to clean up. As soon as you were finished, you tugged the fabric down and let it hang from your neck while you set to work brushing down Sebastian, who stood as patiently as he could. He grew restless after a couple of minutes, the smell of sugar wafting from your pockets causing him to swing his head around, trying to catch even just one treat in his teeth. You couldn't keep yourself from giggling, pushing his nose away gently, a genuine smile lighting up your face and remaining there.

"What's the grin for, you brat?" Levi's disinterested voice startled you, and you sheepishly spun, bringing your fist to your chest in an instinctual salute. He waved at you lazily and you relaxed your stance somewhat, cheeks burning. He propped himself up against the wall and folded his arms, waiting.

"It's nothing, sir." You cleared your throat and turned your attention back to your horse stubbornly, forcing the smile away from your face.

"Where's your cat?" He decided not to pursue his first line of inquiry. You figured it was because he didn't give two shits about your answer. Almost anybody you could ask would probably tell you he didn't give two shits about much of anything. Part of you had to wonder if that was strictly true, though. His metallic grey eyes scanned the stables surrounding you, searching for a flash of orange fur but not finding it. Cadet Whiskers had not joined you this afternoon.

"Probably chasing mice," you answered, shrugging your shoulders. "He's got to earn his keep somehow." You could have sworn you saw the corners of the Team Leader's lips twitch upwards slightly. "Was there something you needed, sir?"

"I was here for my horse." Levi studied your back while you worked. "Have you already mucked the stalls?" Even as you gave him an affirmative response, you knew what was coming and mentally prepared yourself for it - he did this _every time_ he interrupted a cadet on stable duty. "Tch. Scrub them." He pushed off the wall, leaving you to finish brushing Sebastian out and clean out the filth from his hooves before you started looking for a bucket and sponge, mentally cursing Levi - all five feet and three inches of him! 

You weren't finished until shortly before dinner, straightening up after dumping the bucket for the final time and wiping sweat from your forehead with the back of your arm. The stalls looked beautiful, almost brand new, but they'd be filthy again by tomorrow. Such was the way with horses. When you made your way back inside and to the mess hall, you found yourself in the same predicament you were in every night since your return from beyond the Walls. You'd be sitting and eating by yourself. Not very many cadets had made it back alive that day, but the handful that did avoided you like you were some kind of bad luck charm. The full fledged scouts weren't hostile towards you; but they weren't overly friendly either. You'd be lying if you said you didn't mind. You minded a whole hell of a lot. 

You were so damn lonely sometimes.

Your new nightly ritual involved a cup of chamomile tea before bed. After you'd finished making yours, you found the cleanest cup you could find, and left the kettle out. You'd never bring it up to his face but you weren't stupid: Levi's nightly ritual _also_ involved a cup of chamomile tea, though it seemed he liked his much later than you did. You wondered, not for the first time, if the man ever actually slept. And if he did, what sorts of things haunted his dreams? The blank look he normally wore told you he did not enjoy peaceful slumber. Nobody could be that broken and still dream sweetly. You were starting to come to terms with that. You knew these nightmares would fade one day, but in your line of work they were destined to be replaced by other nightmares. There would be no escaping them. Just like there was no escaping the Titans.

You nearly choked on your tea when that thought darted through your mind. It caught you off guard. _I've never lost hope before._

Hope was a peculiar thing. Your older brother, Edmund, had been filled with it from the moment he set foot in the military. He talked about it every time he wrote home. You cherished each of his letters, committing his words to memory, branding them onto your heart. "You'll walk beyond the Walls one day too, (F/N). We can do it together. And you won't have to be afraid. No one will have to be afraid ever again. I know that we can defeat the Titans!" There was something to be said for the unbreakable spirit of the (L/N)s. You held on to hope the day a soldier knocked on the front door, and saluted your parents before presenting them with a bloodstained uniform. Your mother collapsed in a pile of tears and wails, your father knelt to hold her, and you simply thanked the sorrowful scout before you closed the door. You sank to your knees beside your family and allowed them to envelop you in their arms, your own tears welling in your eyes. Your first thought was, 'I'm sorry we can't walk beyond the Walls together, Ed.' If anything, his death solidified your determination: you were going to join the Survey Corp, and you were going to fight for him and all humanity. If he couldn't see the world beyond, you would do it for the both of you. So why, then, had this put such a significant crack in your resolve? 

"Where's that (L/N) fire, (F/N)?" you could almost hear Edmund's voice ringing in your ears. If you closed your eyes - a shining (E/C), just like his - you could see him leaned against the counter, shaking his head at you, strong arms folded across his chest. "I'm with you, every step of the way. Don't give up on it now."

"I'm sorry," was all you could say in response, hands shaking as you rinsed out your tea cup and abandoned the kitchen for the night.

Sleep was not kind. Your dreams were worse. Waking up and fixing your eyes on the ceiling, you struggled to find the willpower to swing your feet out of bed and rise. Your morning would be filled with stable duty, which you could manage well enough, but the afternoon was yours to do as you pleased. The majority of the cadets remained inside, reveling in the feeling of having no chores or pressing tasks for the first time in several weeks, but you were too bitter with yourself to allow idleness. No, you needed to busy yourself or you'd rip all your own hair out. You found yourself on the training field, sizing up a practice dummy, which you felt fairly certain you could take even in your frazzled state. 

The physical exertion of fighting was surprisingly significant when you put everything you had into every move you made. Every kick, every punch, every thrown knee - the poor straw-stuffed dummy stood no chance against you. Had it been a real person, you weren't sure you wanted to know all the things you'd have broken by now. Jab, jab, cross, jab, uppercut, knee to the gut, snap kick to the chest. Your heart pounded. Sweat rolled down your neck. Your muscles ached and burned, entire body screaming for you to stop, but you simply refused. You remained there for hours. Exhaustion tugged at the edges of your mind but you evaded it, ignored it. Anger - directed at yourself - coursed through your veins, fueling your desire to keep going. It wasn't fair that you'd given up. Not to Edmund, not to your team, not to yourself. You could hardly believe yourself. What the fuck was wrong with you?

Tears stung at your eyes and tumbled down cheeks reddened with exertion. There was nothing in the world in that moment except for you, your frustration, and the dummy you were unleashing hell upon. You didn't hear the Team Leader's approach. You didn't realize he'd been standing, observing, until he finally said something.

"You're beginning to lose control of your strikes." 

You clenched your jaw, gripping the shoulders of the training dummy and driving your knee hard into it, numb to the complaints of your bruised body. Levi narrowed his eyes when you didn't respond. He had no idea how long you had been out here, throwing all you had into beating the literal stuffing out of this thing, but he would have to be some kind of fucking fool not to know it had been for too long. No matter how much you desired to truck through, your body was shaking. 

"Knock it off, (L/N)," he ordered.

"Stop. Talking," you managed, grunting with effort as you drove your elbow into the dummy's sternum.

"I'll stop talking when you start listening." His voice dipped dangerously low, but you weren't having any of it, continuing your assault. "This is not a fucking solution." 

"I don't need your - " You were cut off by his leg swiping yours out from underneath you, gravity slamming you face first into the ground, where you remained for a few moments, seeing stars. Levi stared down at you while you slowly pushed yourself up onto hands and knees, breathing heavily. Blood dripped from your nose. Your chin was scraped. Your arms were shaking, and you weren't certain your legs would hold your weight if you tried to stand up just then.

"I said, knock it off." Levi crouched down in front of you, lips pressed into a frown. 

"What do you do," you panted, "when you lose yourself?" His eyes widened, just a sliver, and he set his jaw.

"You haul your ass back," he said after a moment. "And remind yourself that you still have battles to fight. If need be, have somebody else beat some fucking sense into you. But _don't_ do it yourself. Are we clear, (L/N)?"

"Crystal, sir." You raised one arm to wipe the crimson off your face with a wince. He gripped your collar and hauled you to your feet a bit roughly, though his hand remained for a moment to make sure you steadied yourself before finally releasing you.

"Tch." He loosened the cravat from his neck and pressed it into your hand. "Wipe all that shit off your face and get your ass to the infirmary. I better get that back tomorrow, **spotless** , brat."


	3. Second Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preparations are already underway for another expedition beyond Wall Maria. Cadet (L/N) is assigned to a new team.

Commander Keith Shadis hardly glanced up at you when you entered his office, offering him a perfect salute and standing awkwardly, wondering why you were here. He finished thumbing through the report he held before he dropped it onto the polished surface of his desk. He tossed his feet up and leaned back, hands folded behind his head, fingers laced together, studying you. After a moment, he nodded and you took that as your cue to drop your salute and stand in a more relaxed position. The morning sun filtered through the window and caught spiraling dust particles. Everything here smelled like parchment and Shadis' thick cologne, which wasn't necessarily unpleasant, just sharp.

"Cadet (F/N) (L/N)," muttered the commander, as though reading directly from your file. "Not only did you survive your first expedition, you landed the killing blow on one Titan and assisted in the takedown of three more. Your ability with omni-directional gear has been brought up to me on more than one occasion. But that's not what I'm most interested in."

"Sir?" you dared to ask, brows furrowed in confusion. 

"I knew your brother, Edmund." He pursed his lips, studying your face as though finding Ed's features hidden there - and he probably did. The pair of you looked a lot alike, inheriting so much of your mother. "Resilient. Determined. I'd come to expect that from him. And when I'd been told another (L/N) enlisted in our branch, I'd come to expect it from you. You don't disappoint." You wondered if that was the closest to a compliment Shadis was ever going to give. He cleared his throat, switching his train of thought slightly. "We are preparing for another expedition. As I understand it, you don't have a team assignment yet. But I want you on this mission, cadet."

"Yes sir." Your mouth went dry but you stood a little straighter. This was your chance, wasn't it? To protect another team, to fight for your brother's aspirations and your own. 

Commander Shadis grunted in acknowledgement and put his feet down, scooping up a stack of reports to resume his paperwork. "Report to Team Leader Ackerman after breakfast. Dismissed."

Your fist was brought to your heart briefly, and then you spun and left the office, your head a whirlwind of thoughts. When you sat down to eat, you found yourself with little appetite. No matter. You still needed food in your system, especially if you were going to be training with Levi today. You knew he didn't go easy on anybody. You'd seen him work, seen him fight. Shoveling down your breakfast as quickly as you could without giving yourself a stomach ache, you were the first cadet on the training field and made your way to where Levi was waiting for his team to assemble. He didn't seem surprised to see you headed in his direction. 

"(L/N)," he said flatly. 

"Team Leader Ackerman," you responded, saluting him. Irritated, he waved your stance away. "Commander Shadis has assigned me to - "

"I know," Levi interrupted. "I was the one that asked for you."

_He what?_

"... omni-directional gear today. Oi, brat, are you paying attention?" He narrowed his eyes at you, shaking you out of confused thoughts. "Tch. Gear up."

By the time the rest of his team had arrived and prepared their gear, you'd been standing ready for several minutes. Levi surveyed the four of you, and gave you a curt nod, signaling it was time for you to begin. Your cables shot out, burying themselves in the nearest tree, and you and your team left the ground, speeding into the forest. There was something to be said for the flight you achieved; using omni-directional gear was exhilarating. You threw your weight precisely where it needed to go, allowing gravity and inertia carry you forward as much as possible before wasting precious gas on propelling your form through the air. You spotted one of the mock Titans to your left and cut sharply for it, swinging yourself up and around the head, your flesh paring blades removing a deeply sliced chunk from the nape of the neck with precision. Twisting in midair, you shot off in the other direction, following the whoops of your new teammates, finding yourself maneuvering beside a girl called Johanna Wagner. She offered you a smile, something other cadets had not been doing much of in your direction lately, and together you dove for the next mock Titan. Your blades dug into the nape in sync, and you spun away side-by-side, almost effortlessly. Something about the way she moved in relation to your own movements clicked - you made one hell of a pair. 

And at dinner that night, you found Johanna sitting across from you, waving over the other two members of your team, an auburn-haired boy called Luke and a brunette girl called Sofia, both of whom you recognized from your cadet corps class. They seemed to have no qualms settling around you. Chatter began almost instantly, and your shoulders relaxed. You were part of a team again. Your friends would like that. They'd be happy for you. Edmund would clap you on the shoulder and you'd scrunch up your nose at him like you always did. A smile found your lips and remained there for the rest of the night, even as you climbed into bed and welcomed Cadet Whiskers under the blankets. 

The morning of the expedition was two and a half weeks following your assignment to Levi's team, falling under the jurisdiction of Squad Leader Erwin Smith, a particularly tall man with the most intense eyebrows you'd ever seen in your life. Everyone was mostly quiet when readying their horses, even you, not saying a word although still slipping your horse a couple of sugar cubes right under the nose of your Team Leader. The trip to the gates of Shiganshina District was also spent in silence, with citizens lined up on the streets to watch you all pass like a funeral procession, everyone wondering which of you would make it back and which of you would not. You tightened your grip on your reins, refusing to look them in the eye, just in case you saw your parents in that crowd. Your resolve would crumble under their horror-stricken gaze. The gaze that asked why, _why_ , would you join the Survey Corps and follow in Edmund's footsteps? Why would you take their last child from them? 

Your jaw clenched. You had to make the choices that were right for you, not comfortable. _I love you, mama, papa. But I have to go._

* * *

Thunder rocked the skies far above the trees. Rain pelted the riders, chilling them to the bone even with the hoods of their green cloaks pulled up over their heads. Your horses plowed ahead at a desperate gallop. All you could do was focus on following Team Leader Ackerman, riding in front of you. 

"All soldiers, prepare for battle! We have one target!" Commander Shadis' voice boomed above the sounds of the storm. "We _will_ slay it and claim this spot as humanity's first stronghold beyond the walls!" Your hands were shaking. This was it, the moment you'd been preparing for all your training. Humanity's first concrete victory against the Titans. You furiously blinked away the raindrops clinging to your eyelashes, sucking in a deep breath.

"Target approaching!" That was Squad Leader Erwin Smith. Your heart jammed itself into your throat. You could hardly see the Titan's silhouette but that was all you needed to know it was one of the largest you'd encountered; and for a fleeting moment, you wondered if this would be your last encounter.

Shadis flung his left arm straight out to the side, signalling the real beginning of your mission as the formation split along the middle to make its way around a large tree straight ahead. "Split into five groups just as we practiced! We'll act as the bait! All assault squads, switch to omni-directional gear!" 

That was your cue. Levi's cables shot out, lifting him from his horse, and your team followed suit. Johanna was right beside you, Sofia and Luke hot on your heels. In moments, everything was absolute chaos as all five groups converged on the lumbering figure. "Strike from all directions at once!" You could barely tell which direction the order came from, let alone who had shouted it. Your cables hooked into the Titan's shoulder and brought you up. A flash of blond hair zipped past you, a scout diving towards the nape of the Titan's neck, screeching: "Taste the power of humanity!" Any moment, his blades would slice through the skin, and the Survey Corps' victory would be assured!

The lightning flashing off the scout's blades was the last thing you remembered. 

It was the rocking and jolting of the wagon beneath you that woke you, although you could not recall ever falling asleep. The sky above was pale blue, the clouds white and soft, illuminated by rays of afternoon sunlight. For half a second, you let yourself smile. It was peaceful here, other than the distant noises around you. And then the pain slammed into you all at once, and the sounds intensified - but the silence was the worst thing. The retreat was much quieter than the advance. There were fewer horses, fewer wagons, fewer breathing bodies. Sitting next to you and staring solemnly at the road ahead was Johanna, her head bandaged. You tried to sit up and the faint movement drew her attention. She tightened her lips and gently pushed your shoulder down, shaking her head.

"Don't move," she said quietly. "You might open the wounds again."

"Where's...?" you managed.

"Sofia is riding behind Team Leader Ackerman," Johanna told you. "Luke..." She didn't have to finish the sentence. You closed your eyes. 

The worst part of a scouting mission was always the return through the streets. The crowds would whisper; they would taunt. They would ask you if it was worth the sacrifices, and their tax dollars. You silently wished you would fall back into unconsciousness. You could imagine your parents standing there, searching for you, finding you beaten and bloody in the back of a wagon. Your mother would gasp and hide her face in your father's chest. He'd tighten his hold on her, clench his jaw, and pretend he wasn't remembering the knock on his door all those years ago. At least there would be no knock today. No bloodstained uniform. No pained, apologetic soldier bearing the responsibility of bringing the worst kind of news. 

Not today.

The infirmary was busy. Those in the wagons, with injuries too severe for them to ride horses, were tended to first. You drifted in and out for most of it. There was pain sometimes, and then sometimes there wasn't. There were nightmares in your sleep, and then the nightmare of being awake. Alive again. Would you feel better if you hadn't survived this mission? You couldn't be sure. Johanna and Sofia visited you a couple of times. You vaguely remembered them taking your hand and squeezing. You thought you recalled Sofia thanking you for saving her life, but you couldn't for the life of you remember how you'd done that. Johanna had ruffled your (H/C) hair and told you to recover quickly. The next time you woke up, it was dark outside, but there was a candle burning at your bedside. Your head felt clear for the first time since you'd been in this bed. There was a presence beside you, a warm one that purred softly, and you managed to smile just a little bit. Good ol' Cadet Whiskers.

You glanced down at yourself and the stark white bandages wrapped around so much of your body. The pain was still present, but not as overwhelming as before. You attempted to sit up on your elbows. "Don't get up, idiot," a voice commanded, startling you slightly. Levi was lounging on a chair drawn up next to your bed, a book open in his palm, a frown etched onto his face. You had to blink a couple of times to ensure he was actually there, and you weren't dreaming again.

"T - Team Leader - ?" 

"Tch." He returned his attention to the book he was reading by candlelight. "Go back to sleep, (L/N). It's the middle of the fucking night." There was a slight pause. "It's Captain, now."

_Captain Levi Ackerman._ You struggled to keep your eyes from closing, several questions bubbling to your lips, but exhaustion was pulling you down and you didn't have a chance to ask any of them, not even the most important one: _What happened out there?_


	4. East Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) learns that a hundred years of peace within the Walls has been shattered, and the Survey Corps has a new chain of command.

"(F/N)." 

The voice surprised you. Johanna Wagner had been sitting with you for about fifteen minutes without speaking. Your hand was held tightly in hers, but her grip was trembling. The closer you studied her face, the more clear it became she'd been crying: puffy eyes, red nose, quivering bottom lip. For a moment you thought it was Luke's death weighing on her mind but the look in her liquid amber eyes told you it was something much, much worse. Your stomach twisted nervously. Your heart rate picked up. You didn't want to know what was so terrible she was struggling to tell you, but you _needed_ to know. Something told you that whatever words left her mouth now would change everything. 

You would hate yourself for how right you were.

"J - just a few hours after we returned from the expedition," she began, drawing in a shaky breath and fixing her eyes on the wall behind your head, as though it were easier to address it than you, "there was... _fuck_ , (F/N), Shiganshina... there was a - a fifty meter Titan, it broke through the wall. They got into the city." Fresh tears were pouring down her cheeks now. "F - five hundred people escaped by boat to Wall Rose. But... but the gate of Wall Maria was broken too." 

When confronted with something too jarringly traumatic to comprehend, a person goes into shock. For you, it started with the distant feeling that you'd perhaps been submerged into freezing water. And then a numbness settled in your stomach, spreading out until your entire body was enveloped in a strangely tingling nothingness. You weren't aware that your hands had joined Johanna's in shaking. You didn't know that tears were welling in the corners of your eyes. There was a word playing over and over in your mind: Shiganshina. Shiganshina District, where you came from, where your family still lived. Your free hand curled into your blanket, clutching it as though it were the only thing holding you together while panic assaulted your senses from all directions at once. Johanna was speaking again but you couldn't hear her, not really. Maybe she was continuing to explain. Maybe she was just trying to get your attention. 

"My parents," you managed after what felt like a century, pushing the words up your throat to spill from your dry mouth. 

"The Garrison is trying to collect the names of the survivors from the boats," the cadet beside you said quietly. She'd managed to control her faltering voice. Keeping you from falling apart gave her a purpose, and it was easier to swallow her own feelings now. "And the evacuation of Wall Maria settlements will be complete in the coming days. But until then... there's no way to know. (F/N), I... I'm sorry."

"They're alive." The fire in your words seemed to startle her. She opened her mouth, uncertainty flashing in her eyes, but you cut her off. "Johanna, they're alive, they have to be." She hesitated, breathed a deep sigh, and nodded.

"That's not all my news," she told you after a couple of silent minutes. You raised your (E/C) gaze to her face again. "Commander Shadis stepped down when we returned. Erwin Smith is now our Commander. And Team Leader Ackerman is - "

"Captain Ackerman," you interrupted. "He told me. Sort of."

"Yeah." Johanna swallowed. "Look, um... I'll try to find out about your parents, okay? You need to rest." She squeezed your hand. 

"Thank you." Your voice was barely a whisper as she stood up and left the infirmary. 

* * *

"(L/N)." A different voice caught your attention several hours later, as Erwin Smith stepped into the room, hands linked behind his back. For a moment, you forgot how commanding his presence really was, somewhat intensified by his new rank. You hurried to sit up and bring your fist crashing against your heart but he shook his head. "There's no need to strain yourself, (L/N). I've spoken to the nurse, your recovery period is expected to last some days yet."

"Sir," you mumbled, lowering your arms but refusing to lie back down. He stood at your bedside, looking down at you.

"Captain Levi informed me that you come from Shiganshina District, where your parents still resided." He was searching for the correct words. "Several cadets and scouts are in a similar situation, and I've given them leave to go to where they've gathered the refugees to search for their families. I will give you leave to go as well, when you're fully recovered, if word hasn't already reached us."

"Thank you, Commander." Your shoulders slumped some. You were disappointed that you couldn't look for them now, but you also understood. 

"Recover swiftly," he told you, taking your shoulder for a brief moment before striding out of the room, undoubtedly a very busy man. 

* * *

Days blurred together. Little by little, you got yourself back on your feet. Your memories refused to trickle back but from a few conversations, you'd been able to loosely piece together what had happened during the failed expedition. Your Titan target had been vastly underestimated. It decimated the majority of those that set out to slay it. Some of the survivors were picked off on the road back to Wall Maria. Finally snapping under the pressure while returning the remains of a scout called Moses to his elderly mother, Keith Shadis asked Erwin Smith to step up and lead the Survey Corps. You couldn't imagine the guilt that man must have carried on his capable shoulders. So many deaths, so much riding on these expeditions, but time after time you returned with nothing to show for it except bloodstained uniforms and tear-stained cheeks. Now that guilt was dropped full force onto Erwin's shoulders, but he seemed to you to be more than able to deal with it.

Some might consider his ideas ruthless, but you knew they had to be.

The first time you saw your Captain after his visit in the infirmary was while you were readying Sebastian for your trip to find your family among the Shiganshina refugees. You were fumbling with the straps on your saddle. Every time your thoughts strayed towards whether or not you'd return with living, breathing parents, your hands would shake a little more desperately and you'd have to stop. Struggling against tears, you felt pathetic - powerless. Couldn't even manage a saddle.

"Tch." You hadn't even noticed him enter the stables, much less seen him lurking, watching you. You grimaced and waited for him to lob an insult, call you a moron, _something_ that would no doubt make you feel worse than you already did. But he didn't say anything else. He just came forward, shouldering you aside. Pale fingers deftly adjusted the leather and buckles. You reached to grab Sebastian's reins but Levi beat you to it, glancing down at you from the corner of his eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something, but didn't know how. You furrowed your brow in confusion, so he cleared his throat and passed you the reins.

"Thank you," you told him quietly. Levi nodded curtly, stepping back to let you lead the horse from the stables, trailing after you. He watched carefully as you put your foot in your stirrup, gripping the saddle and hauling yourself up, swinging your other leg over Sebastian's back, ready to move to assist in case you needed it. He couldn't see the bandaging that remained tight around your torso, but he didn't need to. You were recovered enough to ride, but you weren't entirely healed yet.

"(L/N)," he said, earning your attention as you clasped your green cloak around your throat. "Who's looking after your shitty cat?"

Your lips twitched into a smile. "Guess you could, Captain," you teased. He rolled his eyes. You gently pressed your heels into Sebastian's sides, clicking your tongue to signal him to start moving.

The ride to the city was a day at least, and it rained lightly for part of it, though your hooded cloak did a good job of protecting you from the elements. You stayed overnight in the neighboring town before you joined the throng of refugees that were assembled to receive food rations. Their eyes fell on your military uniform, and the Wings of Freedom emblazoned on it, and the crowd seemed to part for you nervously. Your eyes searched the sea of faces desperately, praying to the goddesses that you'd see a flash of that (L/N) (H/C) hair, or a familiar smile. A stern voice nearby caused you to swing your head around.

"Why should we have to give our food to some lousy outsiders?" The man speaking was part of the Garrison, tall and with a mop of dirty blond hair. His thin face was twisted into something between a scowl and a sneer. "If the Titans got through the Wall, they could've at least eaten some more people, if you ask me!"

Your blood began to boil. Your hands clenched into fists, nails pressing into the flesh of your palms.

"This is just gonna make the food shortage even worse," continued the soldier, until he was interrupted by a young boy's foot swinging hard into his shin. He was clearly a refugee, no older than ten, with wild brown hair and turbulent blue eyes. The Garrison man brought up a fist and sent it crashing into the boy's head, knocking him back onto the ground. You were there almost immediately, putting yourself between the poor kid and his assaulter. Your own fist went flying, hooking the man across the jaw. He staggered back, hissing in pain.

"What a shit excuse for a soldier!" you spat, stepping forward to grab him by the collar of his jacket, yanking him close to you despite the several inches he stood above you. "I bet it's real easy to talk like that, and knock the teeth out of a _child_ , when you've never watched a Titan devour your comrades and neighbors, huh? Think you're big and powerful, pushing him around?" He moved to force you off him and you brought up a knee, driving it into his gut. When he doubled over, you slammed your elbow into his back, dropping him fully onto the ground. "Talk like that again, or put these people through more hell than they've already suffered, and I'll throw you off Wall Rose myself."

When you turned around, there was a frazzled blond boy and a stone-faced, raven-haired girl pulling the other boy to his feet. His cheek bore a small cut. His eyes were filled with anger and with tears, and a look that you understood. He was so much younger than you and he'd already seen just as much. You crouched down to their height and used the hem of your green cloak to dab away the faint traces of blood on his skin.

"I'm sorry for what you've been through," you told the three of them quietly. "But that was very brave of you, standing up to him like that. You've got fight left in you. What's your name?"

"Eren Yeager," he replied, nodding towards his friends. "That's Armin Arlert and Mikasa Ackerman."

"You're a scout?" breathed the boy called Armin, staring up at you with glacial hues.

"I'm Cadet (F/N) (L/N)," you confirmed, standing and slamming your fist confidently over your heart, your salute absolutely perfect. Eren's eyes grew to the size of saucers. You felt a bit touched - hardly anybody looked at a member of the Survey Corps like that. He looked like he wanted to _be_ you. You couldn't stop yourself from smiling down at him, feeling like you needed to encourage him, to encourage all of them. "Don't lose that spark, Eren Yeager, and you'll be just fine."

The boy grinned breathlessly, scrambling to copy your salute, a bit sloppily but lacking no passion. You reached out to tousle his hair and then moved on to resume your mission. You hadn't made it very far before you realized you probably could have asked them if they'd seen your parents, but when you turned back around, they'd already disappeared into the crowd.

You stayed in town for two days, until you'd seen the faces of almost every Shiganshina survivor thrice over, and you still did not see your parents. No list given to you contained their names. No one you spoke to could confirm whether or not they'd seen them - living or dead. It was time for you to concede defeat. Reality didn't hit you until you'd returned to the Survey Corps headquarters. You were stowing Sebastian's gear and you had to stop yourself, your breathing uneven. All the emotions crashed down on you at once, forcing you to your knees, your shoulders shaking violently with silent sobs. Hot tears poured over your cheeks. You gritted your teeth, struggling to keep yourself quiet. You didn't need anybody to witness this, to worry. More than anything, you didn't want to talk, you didn't want to answer a barrage of concerned questions that tiptoed around your feelings so much it forced you to think about them _too_ much.

Footsteps rang behind you and someone had crouched down beside you, placing cold hands on your shoulders. You stiffened, (E/C) irises flashing aside to see who was there. You couldn't even bring yourself to be surprised when your gaze met his, the stormy grey depths unreadable as always. Levi's grasp on your shoulders tightened slightly. He didn't move. He didn't speak. He simply stayed there, watching you fall apart next to him. He didn't have an especially comforting way with words; the right ones always seemed to escape him, and he wasn't interested in flowery sentiments. It was better for everyone if he said whatever he was thinking, unfiltered, with no way for his meaning to be misconstrued. But right now, that's not what you needed. Maybe you didn't need words at all. He couldn't be sure, he could just blindly hope.

The pair of you remained that way for an hour - waves of tears washing over you and threatening to pull you under, Levi's hands on your shoulders anchoring you and keeping you from being dragged out to sea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached the start of the AoT story, which I will follow loosely, but more than likely wind up diverging from at points. Since we don't know exactly when Levi was promoted to his current rank, I decided it would make sense if it happened when Shadis stepped down and handed the reins over to Erwin! 
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos, and the comments, it's really exciting to know people are enjoying this!!


	5. Burning Low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) encounters a side of Captain Levi that she wasn't anticipating.

"Cadet Whiskers is definitely happy you're back." Sofia Karpov sprawled across her bed, propped up on her elbows, watching you in the flickering candlelight. Your gaze fell momentarily on the cat curled into a ball on your pillow. His chest rose and fell softly, his tail tucked firmly over his nose. Every now and then, his ears or his paws would twitch. He was dreaming. You wondered what he dreamed about. You wondered if he ever had nightmares. "He wouldn't sleep with any of us. He'd just wait on your pillow."

"He did?" For a second, you felt a bit guilty for leaving him. 

"It was alright in the end though. Captain Levi came to fetch him every night." The smile she sent back was dazzling even in the darkness. You recalled the conversation you'd had with Levi in the stables before you left to search for your parents. _'Who's looking after your shitty cat?' 'Guess you could, Captain.'_ You returned her smile, albeit a bit sheepishly, and reached out to stroke Cadet Whiskers' fur. He mewled and opened his eyes, and you mumbled an apology for waking him up, scooping him into your arms so you could climb into bed. He settled down against you and went back to sleep too quick for you to snuff your candle, but Sofia leaned over to do it for you. 

"Good night," you told her, yawning, shutting your eyes.

"Good night," she responded, blowing out her own candle and plunging the rest of the cadets' quarters into shadow. 

You were barely asleep for three hours before subconsciously imagined scenarios for the demise of your parents woke you. You groaned quietly, pressing the heels of your hands into your eyes. It was hopeless. There might not be any more sleep that night. You hauled yourself out of bed and trudged from your quarters. Your feet carried you down several hallways without your mind putting any thought into where it was you were actually going. You didn't bother bringing a candle with you, relying on your knowledge of headquarters' layout to keep you from bumping into any walls. Just to be safe, you kept a hand out to the side, fingers trailing lightly against the wall on your left side. You turned a corner and paused in surprise. The door to Captain Levi's office was partially open and faint light was spilling into the hallway, dancing across the wood floor. Your teeth sank into your bottom lip. You could turn around right then and go back to bed, or find some other part of the old fort to haunt, it didn't matter so long as you didn't pass by that door. The Captain would not be pleased to see you out of bed this late once again.

On the other hand, what was _he_ doing out of bed this late? Did the man _never_ sleep? Curiosity - and perhaps a touch of worry - got the better of you. You found yourself inching forward, stepping slowly and purposefully, placing each foot down in such a way as to not make a sound if possible. You halted just before his door. You needed to decide whether or not you really wanted to disturb him at this hour. Was it worth whatever he'd make you do tomorrow in retaliation? Grimacing at the thought, but with a large part of you strangely needing to make sure he was okay, you poked your head around the door frame. Your (E/C) hues widened, pupils dilating to account for what little light there was in the room. You weren't sure what to make of what it was you were seeing.

Levi was a strong man. He was blunt, difficult to approach, and some would call him emotionless - you could understand why they'd think that, with the disinterested way he looked at the world around him. But you also knew he was a _man_. He felt things; you suspected he felt them more deeply than almost anyone else, despite how he handled those feelings. You'd seen him comfort dying soldiers. And there were all those times he comforted you, although neither of you ever acknowledged them.

Still, even knowing all that, you had never expected to see him in a position like this. Levi sat at his desk, his head pressed into his hands, elbows propped up on the polished surface. He was normally surrounded by piles of immaculately organized stacks of paperwork, but the pages were scattered across the floor. The candles around the room had been burning for some time; they burnt low, nearly extinguishing themselves, the wax dripping all over the furniture and floor. You'd never known Levi to be anything but the man who obsessively changed his candles out, lest he have to spend hours angrily scraping away any traces of candlewax from every surface. Even though the room didn't really look so much of a mess, it was out of place enough for him that it looked to you to be a complete trainwreck.

"Captain?" you asked hesitantly, stretching an arm out to gently knock on the door. He didn't respond. You sucked in a breath and set foot over the threshold, pausing in case he snapped at you to leave him be. He didn't react to your presence at all. So you paced over to the desk and quietly knelt down, beginning to gather up the documents littering the floor. It was several minutes of tense silence, interrupted only by breathing and the shuffle of paper as it was scooped into your arms. You didn't lift your gaze to him, you didn't speak. You were scared to shatter this fragile moment. You didn't really want to be screamed at.

You stood slowly, cautiously placing a stack of paper on his desk. And then another, and another, but nothing seemed to rouse him from whatever thoughts were keeping him rooted to his chair. Your lips pulled into a frown.

"Captain Levi," you spoke finally. "Spare candles?" And he didn't glance at you, but he did move one hand to gesture to a drawer, before replacing that hand against his face. You exhaled slowly and nodded, bending down to open the drawer up and snatch out the candles you'd need. You took the task of changing them out one at a time, blowing out the dying flame and wrestling the heap of wax from the holder before working to meticulously scrape up the candle remnants stubbornly clinging to every surface. You didn't quite know how long you were at it but when you were done, the office was significantly brighter, and cleaner.

Not up to the Captain's standards, to be sure, but cleaner nonetheless.

You moved to leave him with his thoughts, but a hand shot out and fingers wrapped tightly around your wrist, keeping you from going anywhere. Electric shock pulsed through your veins and you looked over your shoulder at him, brows furrowed in confusion and lifting in surprise once you realized he was now looking up at you. His steel gaze was intently studying your face and you couldn't help but flush under the scrutiny. He'd never looked at you like that before. He'd never really looked at anyone like that before, not that you'd ever witnessed. His grasp on your wrist was tight; not painful, but enough to let you know he had no intentions of letting you leave his office yet. You shifted your weight nervously. You wondered if he was upset that you'd disturbed him, or that you were wandering about far past 'lights out'. You opened your mouth, a "sir" beginning to leave your mouth, but he interrupted you.

"How do you do it?" he asked.

"Sir? I don't - " you began.

"Levi," he grunted, cutting you off once more. You hesitated to ensure he didn't have more to say, then continued a little more cautiously.

"L - Levi... I don't understand the question."

His jaw clenched slightly. His grip tightened. "How do you go to bed and face down your demons every fucking night, just to wake up with that stupid smile and do this shit all over again?" Your mouth went dry at the question, realization dawning. You had both seen so much - too much - and you were both dealing with it the only ways you knew how. He was hardening. You were trying to stay soft. You swallowed, meeting his eyes for only a second before casting yours down to the floor again.

"I guess... the best way to beat my demons is to let them make me stronger," you said after a minute of consideration. Levi's face was a statue; the muscles didn't move, the eyes didn't react. But you thought you sensed some kind of change behind the mask. "The people we lose... the way they go, it's... it's horrible, and it's natural, I think, to blame yourself for not... not doing more to save them. But if you get caught up in that guilt, if you... if you stop fighting, if you give up, what did they die for?" You had to steel yourself before continuing. You did not need to be crying right now. "You... you fight for them, so that they died for something. Their deaths will haunt me every step of the way. I'll relive it every single night. But what's the point if I can't wake up with that - that stupid smile and do it all over again?"

You thought his gaze softened. He released your wrist, shoulders deflating somewhat. He looked like he was in the same state his candles had been earlier that night: burning low.

"Go to bed, (F/N)."

Your eyes widened, though fixed on the floor; he'd never used your first name before, not to your face. And you liked the way it fell from his lips. You mumbled a 'good night, Captain' before you scurried out of his office and down the corridor, fleeing for your quarters before you could think too much on the emotions stirring in your chest. You needed to shove them down. Squash them hard, right now. There could be none of that, not towards anybody, let alone your superior! You crashed onto your mattress, sinking down into the sheets, and closed your eyes tightly. You could not stop replaying the sound of him speaking your name. It rang in your ears. And you could still feel his hand closed around your wrist.

_Fuck._ This was bad news. But somehow you knew there'd be no stopping it now.

* * *

Captain Levi Ackerman remained sitting at his desk once you left his office, eyes fixed on the empty doorway for a few moments before sweeping over the room. Tidied up, not as much as he'd like but he wasn't in a position to complain too much about that. He grimaced at the thought of his emotional outburst that night. Throwing reports from his desk, nearly flipping the desk itself. It was very much not like him to be so unrestrained. But he was only human, wasn't he? And humans had their breaking point. He grit his teeth. He supposed _his_ breaking point was seventy-four hours without sleeping. He pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing in distaste. He'd have to sleep tonight, then. He couldn't afford to make irrational decisions come morning. He couldn't afford to lose it during training. A mistake on his part could mean the death of a subordinate somewhere down the road, and he'd had enough of those this far.

He wished Erwin had never decided to pull him up the ranks. He wished he'd turned the damned position down. But clearly the Commander saw something in him and as much as he sometimes hated it, he had complete trust in Erwin and his choices. He wasn't certain he was fit for this role but he'd take it, and he'd execute it to the best of his ability. And his ability was nothing to sneeze at. He knew it. It wasn't a matter of pride, it was a matter of fact, and he would have to be stupid not to acknowledge it.

You crossed his mind again and he closed his eyes briefly. He'd met several very talented soldiers in his time, handfuls of promising cadets. Most of them were no longer breathing. The very few that were, were not the same as they used to be. You weren't the same either but in a drastically different way. Levi drummed his fingers on his desk, blinking open his eyes, staring up towards the ceiling. He was replaying the events of earlier in his mind. It seemed you knew how to handle him a lot better than almost anyone. You had simply done what needed doing. You didn't need to be prompted. And he hadn't felt the need to shoo you away. For whatever reason, having you there had calmed him. And your little speech... had caused several things to click in his mind.

But what he thought about the most was the way you said his name. _'L - Levi.'_

Well, sitting here thinking about it wasn't going to solve anything. Best he ignore it for now and sort himself out later. He was prone to making rash decisions when deprived of sleep. He gathered his wits and set about extinguishing the candles. His office was locked behind him, and he trailed towards his quarters. In the morning, while he was getting dressed for the day, he was interrupted by Squad Leader Hange Zoë slamming open his door and chiding him for being so late (it was at least half an hour early). Her eyes caught sight of his unmade bed behind him and he noted with minor irritation the satisfaction that crossed her face when she realized he'd actually slept.

"Get lost, Shitty Glasses," he grumbled, waving her out and down the hall.

"Good to have you back in order, Shorty!" she called over her shoulder.


	6. Dynamics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) reflects on the shift in her relationship with Captain Levi, and the Survey Corps begins to prepare for a winter expedition.

It had been four months since the strange incident in Captain Levi's office, but neither of you had done anything to acknowledge it aside from your superior's insistence that you address him as Levi during your rare private conversations. But things were not the same. Not just between you and Levi either - the very rhythms of life within the remaining Walls had changed. There were whispers around every corner. A newfound fear burning behind everyone's eyes, one that had largely faded in common folk after a hundred years of peace. You felt somewhat bitter about that - that paralyzing fear was present daily in the eyes of your fellow soldiers and had been long before Shiganshina fell - but then you felt guilty for it. You couldn't blame them for that. And the attitude towards the Survey Corps was different among the citizenry too. The few missions that had set out into Wall Maria territory since the Titan incursion were waved off with great fanfare, and even the most decimated group to return received a hero's welcome. People felt like you had a purpose now: a necessary war to fight. You grit your teeth every time you heard someone talk about the Corps like that. It had always been a necessary war. It's just that this time, everyone could see for themselves how horrifying it really was.

You hated how many innocent people had to die for the sacrifices of your comrades to be recognized, and respected.

"(L/N)," Captain Levi's voice acknowledging your presence broke your thoughts as you passed him in a hallway, making your way to the training field. Your gazes met and you nodded at him.

"Captain," you responded. His eyes followed your retreating form until you rounded a corner. That was something you'd picked up on; he watched you sometimes. It wasn't particularly creepy. He seemed thoughtful if anything. You didn't really mind, and you never gave him any sign that you even noticed his new habit.

A piercing, cold wind met you as soon as you stepped outside, reminding you with a sharp pang that winter was swiftly approaching. The first snowfalls would come before the next expedition set out. It wouldn't be long before you and your comrades would have to break out your winter gear. You weren't necessarily dreading it, but you weren't very excited either. You never liked the cold very much. You preferred the warmth of the sun on your skin. Cold reminded you of death.

"You're broody this morning." Johanna fell in step beside you. "What's on your mind?"

"The expedition," you answered her after a couple of seconds of thought. "I'm... worried about it." You'd never been on a winter mission with the Survey Corps before, but Levi's squad had been assigned to the formation as you'd found out yesterday.

"Is that why you're spending this glorious day off here?" She raised an eyebrow at you.

"I think it's bad timing for a day off." You understood it, though. Tensions were on the rise. Morale was dropping. With everything going on, and happening at such a breakneck pace, the majority of the scouts probably just needed some time to _breathe_. "You should go enjoy yourself, Johanna. I'll be alright."

"I don't think so, (F/N)," she scoffed. "'Fraid you're stuck with me."

"I can imagine worse things." You grinned in her direction. "You up for a bit of running?"

"My endurance can kick your endurance's ass any day," she confirmed.

In the end, she turned out to be more or less right. You found yourself falling behind her, wheezing for breath a little bit. You threw in the towel somewhere around lunchtime so you could get something in your stomach. Johanna joined you, wiping sweat from her forehead and steadying her breathing with some concerted effort. The mess hall was almost a ghost town. You guessed most of the regiment was in the next town over, trying to pretend that the world hadn't gone to shit for at least one day. You found yourself a little quieter than usual. Your mind was wandering again and you didn't really want to stop it, especially since you started to consider Captain Levi. That was something that had changed too - his attitude towards you.

You didn't particularly know what to make of it. He seemed to be gentler lately. Less scowling, less swearing, and less insults in place of your name. He would still occasionally call you 'brat' but more often than not, he referred to you by your surname. And you'd noticed the way his jaw tightened when Commander Smith listed your name among those that would be embarking on the upcoming expedition. Was he worried for you? You couldn't tell. You hated not being able to tell. And you hated not being able to stop _caring_ about it. You'd told yourself that developing any sort of feelings towards your captain was a mistake. You'd tried shutting them out, but you gave in a little too easily, almost immediately afterwards.

The dynamic between the pair of you was _not_ helping.

"(L/N)." Levi paused beside your table and you snapped your head up immediately. "My office, when you've finished." He turned and left abruptly, not giving you time to manage a 'yes sir' or even nod. Johanna raised her eyebrows at you as though asking what you'd done this time. Your only response was a shrug.

Knocking on his office door twenty minutes later, you stated your name and business, and were permitted entry. You shut the door behind yourself and stood hesitantly, not yet approaching his desk. He hadn't looked up at you yet, absorbed in whatever paperwork he was completing. You assumed it had something to do with the winter expedition. It seemed all the higher-ups were overwhelmed with preparations lately. You supposed that was comforting; they weren't half-assing this. While you waited for acknowledgement, your eyes wandered the room. It was spotless, just as expected, and the scent of what was perhaps fresh linen filled your nose. The candles had clearly just been changed out. And all his papers were on his desk, where they belonged. If it weren't for the shift in the way Levi treated you, you might have convinced yourself you imagined that night four months ago.

"Are you worried?" Levi's voice brought your attention back to him again. You rocked on your feet slightly.

"Sir?" His cocked eyebrow reminded you of his insistence about his name, and you corrected yourself: "Levi."

"I asked if you were worried, (L/N)." He laid the report on his desk and watched you carefully. Every single emotional tell you could possibly express would be caught by those sharp eyes. There was no point in lying to a man like him.

"About the expedition?" You chewed on the inside of your cheek before you answered. "Yes. I'm worried. Are you?" He almost seemed taken aback by the question, but recovered to disinterest so quickly you weren't convinced he'd actually been surprised.

"I've done everything I can to prepare myself." It was clear he was choosing his words carefully. "Anything beyond that is out of my control. I don't worry about things beyond my control, (L/N)." There was a long silence then, but not the kind of silence that invited you to speak. Instead, it was the kind of silence that came from a man struggling to put his thoughts into words - cohesive, appropriate words. "... generally speaking, that is."

"Something _is_ worrying you?" You took a few steps forward, tentatively. You wondered to yourself why he was choosing to bring this up to you, rather than to a squad leader or the commander. But you'd listen just the same. It seemed you had a knack for handling Levi when no one else knew how to.

"Someone," he corrected you absentmindedly, gaze out of focus for a moment, before zeroing in on your (S/T) features intently. Your brow furrowed in confusion for a moment, before you decided he was referring to his subordinates. It was clear to everyone how important they were to him - how much he cared, despite never giving the appearance of caring. Of course he'd worry for his squad. Considering they'd lost someone on their last trip beyond the Walls, and you'd been badly injured, it was to be expected.

"Levi, you don't need to worry about us. We've been training for this. We've done everything we can to prepare ourselves," you echoed his own words. "It's out of our hands now. It's out of our hands every time we leave the Walls." That came out far less comforting than you'd intended it to, and you winced slightly.

"Tch." Levi shook his head and leaned back in his chair. "Do me a favor and don't die out there, brat." Your lips twitched into a smile and you saluted him. This was sounding more like the Captain Levi you knew and it relaxed your tense shoulders to be called 'brat' again. "Dismissed, (L/N)."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for how short this is, especially since you had to wait a couple of days. I've been struggling a little bit but I think I'm improving, and I really wanted to bust this out for you guys. Next chapter will cover the winter expedition and it will definitely be longer!


	7. Beyond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) rides out with the Survey Corps, into the frozen wasteland that is Wall Maria's Titan infested territory.

You could distantly remember thinking winter was beautiful in your childhood. Your (E/C) eyes would fill with wonder. You'd grip Edmund's hand tight and follow him down cobblestone streets draped with fresh white powder. You hated the cold but Ed would give you his coat, and you'd have your favorite mittens, and a scarf - you'd be okay. Ice clung to every surface. Shiganshina seemed covered in glass. You didn't remember when the winter stopped being beautiful but it was safe to guess it was sometime after Edmund's death. When he was no longer there for snowball fights and ice skating, there was little point in trying to enjoy the season. You were a pretty lonely kid.

Wind whistled in your ear and dragged icy claws through your (H/C) hair. The little warmth you had came from your thick coat and the horse beneath you. Especially out here in Titan territory, winter wasn't beautiful - it was dead. Buildings crumbled around you. You tried not to think about the sounds of panic that had filled the air during the evacuations. Nothing moved here now. Titan activity had been observed to decreased in snowstorms like this. You refused to lower your guard, though. You never knew what was around the corner. You couldn't afford to make mistakes. Captain Levi depended on you - so did Johanna and Sofia. Their faces would NOT join Luke's in your nightmares. You promised yourself that over and over to stay sane. 

The supply wagons' wheels and the formation's horses were the only things making sound. Your mission was to forge part of a path to Shiganshina in the hopes of one day reclaiming Wall Maria. High hopes but Commander Smith seemed determined. You'd be storing supplies in strategic locations for the eventual expedition, and scouting the quickest and safest route to the breach in the Wall. When you camped that night, one team would be sent to scout ahead briefly to determine what move was made in the morning. You suspected it would be your squad sent, but you were glad for it. You didn't feel like sleeping even as the evening crawled away and night settled in. You didn't want to face the things that waited in your head. Not yet. A little bit of recon would keep you occupied enough not to think about anything. 

The old castle you took shelter in had clearly been sitting empty long before the Titan incursion. The stone walls held in the cold, but once you started a fire, they would hopefully be enough to keep in the heat, lined with tapestries and torn curtains. You wouldn't be able to enjoy the heat for very long. As you'd hoped, Captain Levi was given the order to take his squad and sweep the path ahead while camp was being set up and the first sleeping rotation started. You climbed right back into your saddle with the rest of your team and followed Levi's horse, holding a lantern high over your head, straining to gather all the light you could in order to make out your surroundings. Your heart was pounding hard against your rib cage. Titans could be lurking in the shadows; you might never see them coming until it was too late, or past too late. Try as you might to shake that line of thinking, it remained, pressing its hands on your shoulders and forcing you to remember that it was there even when your mind started to wander. You'd never admit that it wasn't the temperature causing your hands to shake.

Not too long into your scouting, your team entered a small village. Roofs were broken, shingles scattered on the ground. Walls had been caved in. Shattered glass crunched underneath your horse's hooves. You thought you might be sick to your stomach. All you could imagine was each broken home being yours - your windows smashed, your walls pulled down, your parents' blood staining the ground. Something must have changed in your stance or your breathing because Johanna hurried her steed to trot beside yours. She reached out a hand and touched your arm, bringing you back to reality. You barely realized tears had been gathering in the corners of your (E/C) eyes. She noticed and stretched to wipe them for you quickly.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. She didn't have to say anything else. You clenched your jaw and managed a nod; you needed to be strong right now. Needed to do your job.

At the edge of the village, Levi turned his horse around and announced you were heading back. The return trip was made mostly in silence. It was a tense, fearful silence. If the Titans heard you, you stood no chance against them in the dark. And the area between village and castle was mostly empty. Your omni-directional gear would be completely useless. Dread twisted itself in knots inside you and only settled when you were tying off your horse outside the old fortress. As soon as you were inside, you could feel warmth and feeling seep back into your skin. The fire was doing its job very well. You tugged your gloves off and warmed your hands as much as possible by the flames. Pins and needles flooded your fingertips but you didn't mind so much. The sensation became more distant as you became more aware of your surroundings. Comrades shifted in their sleep around you; others sat awake, sharing rations and canteens, and whispered stories. Johanna was sprawling on her bedroll, grateful for the chance to rest. Sofia was eagerly stuffing a field ration into her mouth, as though she actually enjoyed the taste. And the captain was...

Sitting down next to you, right as you started to look for him. He silently offered you something to eat but you didn't have an appetite, so you shook your head. Best save it for someone who needed it. But he did not withdraw his hand, lips pulling into a scowl.

"Don't be an idiot," he scolded you, though his voice was soft, lest he wake up the slumbering soldiers. "You need to fucking eat something before you sleep." You frowned at him in response, electing to show displeasure through your face rather than words. Maybe you didn't trust your voice. "Tch. Eat." He turned his gaze from you quickly, as though he were hiding something. As though there was an emotion in his eyes he didn't want you picking up on. A sigh left your lips but you took the food.

Levi stayed sitting beside you for a while, not really speaking, but occasionally glancing towards you. The firelight played over your (S/T) face. He couldn't help but think it made you appear to be glowing. You watched the flames spit sparks into the air, and your eyes would follow them, like you wondered where they went when they faded away. He hadn't taken a moment to just study you since his cursory assessment of you the first time you'd met, you standing in line with the other recruits from the Cadet Corps. There was something in the way you held yourself that had caught his attention that day and held it ever since, and it hadn't left you even now. While he'd only call it "sheer fucking stubbornness" to your face, what he meant was "determination". He'd watched you blindly charge through obstacles that would have stopped nearly anybody else. It was difficult not to admire that in you.

"I should get some sleep," you said finally, still unaware of him watching your every move. "You should too, Captain." He continued to watch as you made your way to where your bedroll was spread, and as you settled yourself down. He didn't know how long it was until your breathing slowed, became rhythmic, and he knew you were asleep.

* * *

Passing through the town you had scouted the night before was fortunately uneventful. Titans were spotted but the strategic avoidance formation allowed for minimal engagement with them. It was another two towns before you encountered something you couldn't handle. Somehow, an Aberrant escaped the notice of the scouting flanks and found itself in the center of the formation, crawling between buildings. You were the first person to spot it, looking around a corner at a fortunate - or unfortunate - moment. It noticed that you noticed, and started scrambling towards you. You fumbled with your flares, lifting your arm to the sky and firing off a black flare before you shouted to the rest of your team, and you scattered. You had buildings, which would aid you since you could use your gear, and with your team in wildly different directions, the Aberrant would have to choose who it was going to hunt down. It gave you precious seconds to pull ahead.

You were the unlucky soul on the intended menu that day, it seemed. The Titan barreled towards you. You didn't give yourself time to think, you shot your cables into the nearest building and left your horse behind, zipping into the air. You heard your horse scream, and there was a horrifying crunch, and you realized the Titan's hand had crushed Sebastian. Collateral damage. You felt sick to your stomach, feet touching the wall and pushing your body away from it, speeding away and around a corner quickly, flinging yourself to and fro, trying to lose your pursuer. Sofia's voice shouted your name somewhere nearby and you lost concentration for just long enough to miss your mark, tumbling to the ground, rolling a little until you stopped. Your body hurt. You pushed yourself to stand, dizzy, checking your gear.

_Fuck._ Broken. Broken gear and a dead horse! You knew you couldn't survive on foot, but you'd be damned if you didn't try. You equipped a new set of blades, gripping them tight. If you had to, you'd turn and try to fight it. You could feel the ground shake as the Aberrant rushed you. Your legs started moving; you were sprinting, but you weren't nearly as quick as the Titan, especially since you were struggling to run in the snow. You had seconds to live, if you were lucky. And then suddenly, you heard the sound of someone else's cables hooking into a rooftop somewhere ahead of you. You turned to see a smaller shape speeding towards you, and someone's strong arm caught your waist, your feet lifting off the ground. Your breath was forced from your chest momentarily but you caught it back quickly. You'd been rescued. Someone was carrying you with them, and you watched Johanna dive off a roof and slice the nape of the Titan's neck, bringing it down. You were on a roof all of a sudden, your back scraping the shingles. You looked up and saw Captain Levi staring down at you.

"What the fuck happened?" he demanded. You gestured to the useless gear hanging around your waist and he scoffed, crouching to help you unfasten the straps, allowing it to clatter down the slope of the roof and smash into the ground. It would only weigh you down, and they had no way to repair it this far out. You'd get new gear when you returned to the Walls. "Erwin's going to order a retreat. There were three Aberrants. We've sustained heavy losses. Where's your horse?"

"Dead," you managed.

"Shit!" Levi swore in a hiss, sweeping his eyes around the village for a second. "You'll ride with me. Come on."

"Captain - " But you were cut off abruptly when he grabbed your wrist and yanked you against him, wrapping his arm around you and getting the pair of you to the edge of town to meet with the remnants of your expedition. He whistled for his horse and when it trotted close, he mounted, holding his arm down for you and pulling you up behind him. You tucked your arms cautiously around his waist and then, on Erwin's order, the Survey Corps was thundering back towards Wall Rose.

The ride was a little more than awkward for Levi, at least, with your form resting against his back. Your arms were tight around him, your cheek pressed against his shoulder as you attempted to shield your face from the cold air. It had been another painfully short expedition, which never meant good things. You didn't know exactly how many scouts you'd lost this time. Still, it did nobody any good to be disheartened, and you'd promised Edmund you'd never lose hope again. You hadn't made much progress this time, but in the future you _would_ make progress. You needed to believe that. The jostling of the animal between your legs and the strong body of the man in front of you brought you out of your thoughts, rooting you, which you were grateful for.

You almost hid your face in Levi's shoulder again when the Corps began their procession through Trost District, your mind briefly flashing to the horrified look on your parents' faces when... _oh_. Reality set in faster than you'd have liked. Your grip on the Captain's waist loosened a little bit. He glanced back over his shoulder but he decided not to question you once he saw the tears gathering in the corners of your (E/C) eyes. Arriving at headquarters was somehow even worse than returning to the Wall. Levi dismounted and waited (slightly impatiently) for you to do the same before he passed his horse off to one of the waiting cadets that had stayed behind from the expedition. Before you could even start to say anything, or attempt to leave the stables, Levi grabbed you by the elbow and steered you along.

"Captain, we both have to - "

"Can it, (L/N)." You shut your mouth. Your brow furrowed in confusion when you realized he was bringing you to his quarters. He ushered you inside and shut the door behind both of you. "You tried to run."

"Levi?" You frowned slightly, not understanding. He was unfastening the straps of his harness and dropping his gear, refusing to meet your gaze.

"When you lost your horse and broke your gear, you tried to _run_ from a Titan," he clarified, unfastening his cravat and resting it on his crisp bed sheets. You winced slightly to watch him place dirtied, bloodied materials against the sparkling surfaces of his room. When he finally glanced at you, clearly having been expecting a response, you could only shrug your shoulders - _yeah, I did that_. You waited for him to scoff, but he didn't. "I've seen scouts freeze in panic. I've seen scouts give up completely. I can't say I've ever seen a scout attempt to flee on foot, in the snow, still holding their damn blades." He didn't have to voice the question for you to know: **what the hell were you thinking?**

"It was a hopeless situation, no matter how you look at it," you admitted, quietly. "But how come that means I shouldn't hope I could escape?"

Levi studied you for a second but found he had no words. Instead, he crossed the floor and grabbed your chin, albeit somewhat gently. He tilted your head to the side slightly, observing the scrapes on your cheek. You felt like you couldn't breathe with how close he stood to you in that moment. He released you finally, but he didn't step back. You swallowed, desperately searching his stormy eyes for some explanation, some reason, finding nothing you could identify with certainty.

"Get yourself cleaned up," he muttered finally. "And get some fucking sleep. That's an order, (F/N)."

"Yes sir," you said, managing a genuine smile and a salute before you strode for the door.

"Tch." Levi watched your retreating form and realized it wouldn't be that easy. The things stirring in his chest - they wouldn't leave him be. He remembered the sharp stab of panic he felt when he realized it was you down in the snow-clad streets, _running_ from an Aberrant. He remembered thinking he wouldn't reach you in time. He remembered the relief that slammed into him when he scooped you off the ground and got you to the rooftops. He'd wanted to scream at you. He'd wanted to shake some sense into you. He'd wanted to kiss you, because he hadn't done it yet, and he had been seconds away from never being able to do it! Why hadn't he kissed you then? He couldn't find a good enough reason. Why wasn't he kissing you _now_? "Fuck it."

The captain followed you to his door, hand reaching for your shoulder and turning you around. You were probably about to ask him what he was doing but you were cut off when he took the back of your head, pulling you so that his lips could meet yours. It wasn't aggressive; but it wasn't soft, either. You could feel your cheeks being dusted with crimson, and your hands fell to his chest, fingers curling in the fabric of his shirt. When you started returning his kisses, an arm slipped around your waist, bringing you flush against him. He angled his head to make kissing you a bit easier. Your heart was drumming hard against your ribs. You could only imagine the things your pulse was doing at that moment. You couldn't be sure how long it was before your lips parted, but his hand left the back of your head and fell to your collar, gripping it to keep you from stepping back, allowing only the slightest space between the pair of you. You were breathing heavily, lifting your eyes to his, a little surprised to find that the same flushed color your face wore was spread across his too.

"You ran from a fucking Titan," he grumbled.

"Yeah, I did," you breathed.

"Moron." And he was kissing you again, because he was never very good with words, but there were things you needed to know. When you finally pulled back from each other, he released your shirt and you released his, but neither of you really wanted you to leave that room. Levi sucked in a breath and spoke first: "Go get some sleep."

"Yeah," you whispered, reluctantly taking a couple steps back, eventually turning and slipping out the door.

Once you were out in the hallway, closing Levi's door behind you, your fingers brushed over your lips. You felt the corners of your mouth twitch upwards in a smile and you started the walk back to your quarters, considering that for once maybe you wouldn't have to dread going to sleep. After all, you had something besides the failed expedition to think about now.


	8. Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares bring Cadet (L/N) to her Captain's quarters in the middle of the night.

Not even the plush warmth of Cadet Whiskers' fur pressed against your stomach could chase away the things that stalked you in your sleep. Strangely, it wasn'tyour friends or family being devoured - it wasn't even the raven-haired captain whose lips had found yours for the first time only weeks previously. This time it was Edmund. You hadn't dreamed of your brother's death for a long time, though you recalled with painful clarity the first couple of years after his uniform was delivered; the nightmares occurred almost nightly until the pain finally faded to a dull ache that only surfaced from time to time. Apparently your own brush with death had brought it back to the forefront of your mind. You'd jolted upright in bed three times already that night, breathing heavily, coated lightly in sweat. When you woke again, tangled in your blanket, hands trembling as they rose to wipe away tears from your cheeks, you decided you'd had enough of torturing yourself. There was a small sound of protest from your cat as you lifted him with you, carrying him a few beds down and setting him carefully on top of Johanna's mattress. He stretched his lithe form before curling himself up at her feet, tail tucked over his nose.

Returning to your cot to collect and light your candle, you made your way out of the cadet quarters, not sure what your intentions were. You'd probably just restlessly pace the halls and hope you didn't run into one of your superiors. Though frankly, if you did you'd be concerned about what they were doing up at this hour. Even Levi would have retired to his room for the night. Whether or not he was actually sleeping was anybody's guess. You decided he probably was, considering the time that had passed since the expedition. He never slept well the first week after a mission, you learned. He spent the night cleaning his office, his room, his clothes, anything he could get his hands on. You started to understand it after a while. He needed to erase any traces of the dirt, the tears, and the blood that might have still been left. He'd never say as much, and you'd never bring it up, but you knew and you were sure he knew that you knew.

Apparently, thinking about the captain had caused your feet to carry you right up to his bedroom door. Your hand was raised, poised to knock, before you caught on to what your body was doing. You hesitated; if he was asleep, did you really want to wake him up? He might not be happy about that. There was the firm rap of knuckles against wood and you stared at your traitorous hand.  _What the fuck, man?!_ You strained to listen in case you heard him moving around inside but you were met with silence. After a few seconds, you figured he probably wasn't going to stir but you only got a couple of steps in before you heard his door open.

"(L/N)?" he grumbled and you turned sheepishly, eyes taking in the man's disheveled appearance: untamed hair, grey eyes heavy with sleep, black trousers, and a half-buttoned white shirt offering a glimpse at a strong, scarred chest. 

"I'm... sorry, Levi," you said after a brief pause. "I was slightly hoping that wouldn't wake you."

"Tch." He shook his head and let his gaze wander over you, lips creasing into a familiar frown. "What the hell are you still doing up?"

"Nightmares. About Edmund." 

Neither of you spoke for a minute after that, though understanding dawned over the captain's features, disappearing as quickly as it had come. He was working out how to best comfort you when you took the tiniest step back.

"I'm sorry," you repeated. "I should try to get some sleep." You weren't sure what to expect from him in return. He hadn't gotten particularly peeved with you in a while and you couldn't really bring yourself to imagine him barking at you over this. But you certainly did not expect to feel his fingers close around your wrist, keeping you from leaving. 

"We both know you're not going to get some sleep, brat." Levi tugged you over the threshold of his room. You felt a bit of heat rise to your cheeks, angling your head up to meet his gaze, confusion scrawled across your face. He frowned down at you for a moment. "Tch. Come on." He released your arm but gave you a somewhat gentle shove further into his room, shutting the door. 

"Levi, I - " He cut you off by taking your head in his hands. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to your forehead, softer than you could ever have imagined him doing. You shut your eyes for a moment, drinking in the feeling of security that he offered you. 

"I'm sorry you're seeing his death," he murmured against your skin. You tensed up and felt his arms around you, pulling you against him, shielding you from whatever might have wanted to harm you. You pressed your face into his chest and tried very hard not to think about the things you'd seen in your dreams that night. "... There are some people... I see their deaths sometimes. It's always harder when you're imagining what it was like."

"I don't want to go back to bed," you breathed.

"You need to sleep, idiot." But he sighed, releasing you. "However, you  _don't_ need to sleep alone."

"What?" Your bewildered (E/C) hues fixed on him as he hauled himself back into bed. He rolled his eyes and reached out to take your wrist again, pulling you down onto the mattress. His arm hooked around your waist and pulled you close to him, your head tucked against his chest again. "Levi, what - "

"Go to sleep, (F/N)," he grumbled, closing his eyes, chin resting on top of your head. "Don't make me fucking regret this."

"Okay," you whispered, trying to relax in his hold, your hands finding themselves curled in the fabric of his shirt. You closed your eyes and focused on the sound of his heartbeat and his breathing, matching them to your own, feeling the tension leave your body. You felt safe again. The smell of chamomile and linen filled your nostrils. You forgot about the bloodstained uniform. You forgot about the gaping jaws that must have ended your brother's life. 

For just a little while, you forgot about everything, and you fell asleep.

Morning sunlight pouring through the window roused you from slumber. You didn't recognize the room you woke up in at first, but the moment you felt something shift underneath your head, you realized the night before hadn't been a dream. You were sleeping in Levi's room; more aptly, his bed. With him. You lifted your head quickly, cheeks a gentle shade of pink, looking down at him. He was still asleep, lying on his back. You'd found yourself half-lying on his chest, one arm slung over him, with one of his arms lazily draped over your side. One of your legs was hooked up around his. You didn't want to move too much, in case you woke him up, so you just put your head back down and waited.

"What time is it?" groaned Levi after what might have been fifteen minutes. He was shielding his eyes with one hand, glowering towards the sun. You detangled yourself from him to sit up and look out the window.

"Probably close to eight or nine," you guessed.

"Tch. Shitty Glasses should have been by to wake me up already." He frowned.

"It's an off day," you reminded him, pushing some unruly (H/C) strands from your face. His eyebrows raised slightly. You were right, he realized; it was a rare day off for the Survey Corps, with the Commander and several other Squad and Team leaders involved in important meetings several towns away.

"Where are you going?" he asked as you got out of bed, combing your fingers through your hair, a yawn stretching over your face.

"I promised to spend the morning with Johanna," you replied. "Levi... thank you." 

He got up and moved to kiss you in response, a gesture you welcomed. You weren't really sure what this was - it didn't  _feel_ like courtship necessarily, but there was nothing casual about the way he kissed you when you caught a moment alone together. Neither of you had made an attempt to discuss it; maybe you were both afraid of jinxing it, of whatever this was crumbling to ash and slipping through your fingers should you examine it too closely. You shook the thoughts off as he pulled away.

"Don't cause any trouble, brat."

"Wouldn't dream of it, captain."


	9. Ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) and Cadet Wagner are assigned to clean fireplaces, and find more than just ash and soot.

 

It was time the pair of you got a break.

You'd been cleaning every fireplace at headquarters all afternoon, preparing to have them burning again by sundown to keep the Survey Corps warm through another long winter night. Johanna worked at your side, her tumble of golden hair pulled back into a tight braid, her chocolate eyes squinting against the cloud of ash hanging in the air. Once two of the three fireplaces located in the scouts' quarters looked as though it hadn't ever been used, and new firewood was carefully stacked inside, you sat back on your knees and wiped your forehead with the back of your arm. Your friend tugged the handkerchief down from around her nose and mouth, a smile playing on her lips.

"It's probably alright if we go and get something to eat," she ventured. "We  _did_ skip lunch to make sure we finished Captain Levi's office before he was in there, and we're making good time."

"I'm going to agree with you on that." You got to your feet, stretching out your arms and back. You untied the cloth from around your head, leaving it carefully folded on the mantel for when you returned to finish the third fireplace. Your hands were wiped quickly and your feet carried you out the door, down the hall towards the mess hall with Johanna at your heels.

Rummaging through the kitchens for a meal from lunch's leftovers didn't take very long, and presently you were sitting across from one another, Johanna gulping down some cool water while you stuffed bread into your mouth. Your stomach had protested the decision to forego lunch for hours but it seemed satisfied now. The pace had changed from frantic working to easygoing munching, and your muscles found themselves relaxing once they realized you weren't furiously scrubbing for a little while. Johanna seemed to be studying you and you shot her an inquisitive look that would have been a vocal expression had you not been chewing in that precise moment.

"Just thinking to myself how different we are, but how much our differences make us the same." There was an emotion swimming in her eyes you'd never seen her wear before and it made you put down the bread you held, your brows furrowing. Johanna sensed more questions and beat you to it. "I'll give you an example. Your brother was a scout and so was my father. Different people, but we lost them both to the Survey Corps and we both chose to join despite that. Or maybe because of that." 

"Johanna, I... never knew," you managed, stunned. She shook her head.

"I don't talk about my parents often," she admitted. "But that's because I've lost them. Another way we're alike, although the circumstances are markedly different. My father died returning from an expedition and my mother fell terribly ill several years down the road." You reached out to place your hand atop hers, squeezing gently, trying to let her know you were there with her, supporting her in any way you could. She flipped her hand round to squeeze yours; to let you know the same thing. Eventually you withdrew your hands and continued eating.

"I think we're both pretty damn strong, all things considered," you said after a moment. 

"I think we are." Johanna nodded. "But I wish we didn't have to be."

"Yeah." You sighed. "It's not exactly  _fair_. Guess we can try and keep other people from having to be, though." She glanced up at you then, having never considered that before. You watched her twirl her spoon in her stew, nodding her head again, slower this time.

"That's what we'll do." 

The rest of your meal was occupied by small talk. Could Squad Leader Hange's glasses  _get_ any bigger? How do you think Commander Erwin gets his eyebrows to cooperate every morning?  _I'll bet he has to brush them. Probably has his own eyebrow brush._ Laughter filled the air and for a little while, the terrible similarities that shaped you both were forgotten. You shuffled to the kitchen to clean up after yourselves before shuffling back to the scouts' quarters, still giggling although you tried to stifle that. You entered through the first door, only realizing once you were inside that you could have entered from the second door and been much closer to the fireplace you hadn't cleaned yet. The soft click of that second door shutting barely registered in your head. 

Collecting your cleaning supplies from the fireplace you'd cleaned before your lunch break on your way over to the one you still needed to clean, you realized someone had just put out a fire; a bit hastily, in fact. You groaned inwardly. It wasn't their intention to give you extra work, you were sure, but all the same you were not looking forward to it. Johanna put her hands on her hips and pulled a face that said she was thinking the same thing. You rolled your eyes at her, gesturing to the fireplace in vague disbelief. She just shrugged her shoulders and tied her handkerchief back round her head, which prompted you to follow suit until you realized you'd left it on the other mantel.

"Aw, hell." It wasn't like walking the half a minute to the other fireplace was your breaking point but you still didn't really want to do it. You snatched the fabric down and knotted it behind your head, turning back. Johanna was crouched, digging through the ash. Her back was to you but you could practically sense the curiosity rolling off her, and that made  _you_ curious. 

Rejoining her, you watched as she pulled a partially burned letter from the pile of ash that had been used to swiftly smother the fire. Your lips curved into a frown and you shared a tense look with your friend, your (E/C) eyes darkened with a little bit of fear. People burned letters all the time; love letters, usually. But that didn't explain why they had tried to make it seem like they hadn't been burning anything - why they'd rushed out of the room as soon as you entered. That was suspicious, there was no way around it.

"What's it say?" you prompted, nudging her with an elbow.

"I'll be honest, I can barely read any of it." She sounded disappointed. "Guess we got here a smidgen too late."

"Damn." Your shoulder slumped a little bit. "What should we do with it?" She glanced at you from the corner of her eyes.

"... I think we should probably turn it over to somebody," she admitted, folding it carefully, in case it crumbled right in her hands. "Captain Levi, or Commander Erwin if he's not too busy."

"Probably L - Captain Levi," you decided and she looked hesitant.

"He'll be busy with his workload," she said. "I don't want to be the person that interrupts him when I'm supposed to be busy cleaning. He'll just have me clean  _more_."

"If you finish up here, I'll bring it to him." You tried not to sound amused. "That way, if he does decide something else needs a good scrubbing, it'll be me that winds up having to do it."

Johanna almost seemed relieved to hand the letter over to you.

You knocked on the door to Levi's office, acutely aware of the state you were in; soot on your face, ash on your pants, handkerchief hanging down around your neck. You could only imagine how unkempt your (H/C) hair probably looked. Well, bit too late to try and fix all of that now - he'd be ushering you in any second. 

"Name and business." He sounded bored, but he  _always_ sounded bored.

"Cadet (L/N), sir," you called out. Your business wouldn't matter - he'd let you in.

"Enter."

You opened the door and crossed the threshold, noting the way he cringed at your appearance briefly before his eyes settled on the parchment you were carrying. You shut the door behind you and brought it to his desk, holding it out for him. He frowned and took it from your hand, opening it up and scanning the scorched phrases with mild interest. He glanced up at you, eyebrows raised.

"Cadet Wagner and I were cleaning the fireplaces in the scouts' quarters," you explained. "We found that in the ashes of a recently snuffed fire. Somebody also scrambled out of the room the moment we opened the other door. I wasn't entirely too sure what to do with it, but she thought it was probably best to get it to you, or the commander."

"She was probably right," he mused. "I'll pass this along to Erwin." He glanced you up and down quickly. "How many fireplaces are left to clean?"

"Wagner's taking care of the last one," you replied.

"Good, you can get yourself cleaned up. You're a fucking mess." Levi stood up, placing the letter in his jacket. "Come with me." 

Bewildered, you followed him out of his office and towards his quarters. You hesitated slightly outside his door, wondering why he'd brought you here, but he ushered you inside with a roll of his eyes a muttered, "Move, brat." You waited just inside the doorway while he rifled around for something without explanation. You wanted to ask questions but something told you it was probably better left a surprise. He finally turned back to you, holding out something familiar - though you hadn't seen it in person in quite some time. 

"Soap?" you asked softly, reminded of the last time your mother had been able to afford such a luxury as a bar of scented soap. You'd been thirteen years old. Your hair smelled like roses for weeks, and you felt like a princess. "Levi, I..." Sensing you were contemplating refusing it, he grabbed your wrist and pressed it into your hand, shaking his head.

"Just take the damn soap, (F/N)," he grumbled. You smiled and stretched forward to kiss his cheek, noting with satisfaction the way the corners of his lips twitched upwards.

"Thank you," you told him.

"Tch." 

When you took your bath, you scrubbed every inch of your (S/T) skin and massaged suds through your hair, trying very hard not to be too overly excited about bathing with something other than herbal water and a sponge. Soap had been a rare commodity for ages, but you imagined it was even more difficult to come by now. You understood it to be made partially of animal fat and with only the territory of two Walls supporting the human population, animal products of any kind were in high demand - convincing someone to use the fat on something as trivial as soap... You wondered how Levi had managed to get his hands on it, but then dismissed the thought. Something told you he was not going to be denied this. And he'd given it to _you_. Your cheeks warmed. It was the kind of gesture that only Levi was capable of, and perhaps it wouldn't mean a lot to anyone else, but you knew better than that.

Retiring to bed that night, you were able to catch the scent of rose from the (H/C) strands pooled on your pillow. That night, you dreamed of the house in Shiganshina and the bright days you spent in it when your hair smelled like roses all those years ago.


	10. Little Victories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As spring approaches, the Survey Corps returns from and reflects on another expedition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A REALLY SHORT CHAPTER! I'm sorry about that, but some really not good things have been happening that have drained my creative spark pretty badly. I wanted to give you guys something in the interim so I busted this out as quickly as I could manage. The next chapter will make up for it, I promise!

"I heard you killed an Aberrant." 

The familiar voice of Johanna brought you back to reality as your horses trotted side-by-side through the streets of Trost. You glanced over at her, eyes combing over her to take in her appearance; dirty face littered with freckles as well as scrapes and cuts. Her lip was split but had stopped bleeding that morning. But despite all that (and the makeshift sling she wore her left arm in) she was smiling. It was rare for the Survey Corps to return to the Walls smiling, especially when there was still a wagon of fallen comrades in the midst of the formation. But this had not been a failure of a mission. You'd only lost nine scouts and all their bodies had been retrieved. This in itself was reason to feel accomplished. But you'd also made more progress on this expedition than any of those into Wall Maria territory before.  _And_ you had captured two Titans alive, to be studied by Squad Leader Hange. You didn't understand her drive to get that close to living Titans but you knew the discoveries she made might save lives.

"I did," you answered your friend, remembering she'd asked you a question.

"And four other Titans." She sounded proud. "You're a credit to the scouts, (F/N)."

"You're not so bad yourself!" Your cheeks reddened at her praise. "You took down two on your own, and assisted in three more."

"None of them were Aberrants." Johanna seemed pleased with herself nonetheless. "But hey, I did help Squad Leader Hange catch her new test subjects. I'm not useless after all!" You reached out to shove her shoulder gently, rolling your eyes.

As you dismounted your horse at the stables, you briefly recalled the exhilaration and terror that accompanied embarking on any expedition. There was something very freeing about taking off at full gallop, your green riding cloak dancing behind you, the sunlight pouring over Titan territory and turning it into something a little less frightening. You could almost believe you weren't in danger. But upon remembering that was how you felt during your first expedition, when you lost your entire team, you shook the feeling away. You'd let yourself be full of wonder at the freedom you felt but you'd never forget the danger lurking.

"You're thinking too much," chided Johanna, watching you stable your horse. "We're alive, aren't we?"

"Not all of us." You regretted the words as soon as you spoke them.

"They didn't die in vain," she said softly. She didn't need to add the  _for once_. You understood the meaning.

"You're right."  _If I can't wake up with that stupid smile on my face and do it all over again, what's the point?_ "I'm sorry. Don't worry about me, yeah? Get your arm looked at properly."

"What, this?" The blonde lifted her slung arm, fighting not to wince. "It's nothin'. Other people need looking after more than I do."

"Tch." Captain Levi's sharp voice caused both of you to turn on your heels, performing a salute (although Johanna couldn't quite manage it). He nodded curtly and you relaxed your stance. "Wagner, take yourself to the infirmary at once."

"Sir!" Johanna was gone quickly, and you were alone with him. He studied you for a moment, sweeping his eyes over you from head to toe, ensuring you weren't seriously injured. He didn't seem particularly pleased about the state of you but you'd never expect that. Nobody returned from an expedition looking all that great. You hadn't seen yourself yet, but you could only imagine what you might look like.

"Do you need to be at the infirmary as well, brat?" he asked finally.

"No," you replied, amused. "I'm alright." His grey eyes narrowed as though he could detect a lie just by staring at you intensely enough. Eventually, his gaze relaxed and he nodded, gentler this time. His hand found your shoulder and squeezed.

"You fought bravely."

"So did you." Your lips pulled into a smile. 

"Tch." But no matter how tough Levi made himself seem, you knew that he was scared. Maybe he wasn't scared of the Titans - his ability to kill them made them less of a threat to him than most - but he was certainly scared of losing scouts. Scared of losing people he cared about. Your thoughts were interrupted by his hand moving from your shoulder to your cheek, turning your head so you were facing him completely. "(F/N)."

"Levi?"

He looked to be seriously considering saying something. But he decided against it, dropping his hand from your face. "... Get some rest. You've earned it."

"You too." You kissed his cheek and turned away, exhaustion weighing you down whether or not you'd like to admit it. 

Johanna met you back at the cadet quarters. She was sitting on her bed, already extinguishing her candle, nearly ready to just sleep. But she stayed up to talk with you while you undressed, combing your fingers absently through your wet (H/C) hair. She had one leg tucked up beside her, the other dangling from the edge, watching you. Her arm was bandaged and slung properly now, and the cuts she bore had been treated. Her lip was less swollen, less red. She looked better. 

You hadn't looked as awful as you thought you might when you finally saw yourself in a mirror, before you bathed. Your hair was a windswept mess, but your face was relatively clean of dirt and blood, with only a minor scrape decorating one cheek. You had a nasty bruise on your shoulder that looked worse than it actually felt. The bruising from your gear and harness was ever-present, and you hardly even noticed it anymore. 

Now you relaxed onto your mattress, the smell of rose filling your nostrils. You'd done your best to make the soap Levi gave you last as long as possible. It was a special sort of relief to treat yourself to it when you got back from a mission. 

"You always smell so good lately," Johanna complained. "It's not  _fair_."

"Sorry you have to smell terrible all the time," you teased her. As Cadet Whiskers jumped up to join you, you reached out a hand. His tiny pink nose tentatively touched your fingertips a couple of times before he rubbed his cheek down your hand, a purr resonating deep inside his tabby body. "You know something, Johanna?"

"Hmm?" she asked as she tucked a hand behind her head, closing her eyes.

"I think I might be able to sleep well tonight." You felt a little guilty about that.

"I think I might too," Johanna mused. "We accomplished some great things out there. Things we've never accomplished before. It's worth celebrating."

"We didn't lose very many, and those we lost didn't die in vain," you agreed. "And we captured Titans for experimentation. As 'accomplishments' go, they're a bit small."

"That doesn't mean it's not worth enjoying the little victories." She shrugged. "All in all, I think we should be proud. I think we deserve a good night's sleep."

"... 'night, Johanna." 

"'Night, (F/N)."

You rolled onto your side, allowing the cat under your blanket before you shut your eyes. For the first time in a long time, your dreams were mild. You didn't wake in the middle of the night. You didn't cry out in your sleep and wake your roommates. If nothing else,  _that_ was a victory you could celebrate. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on another Levi/Reader story, although it's going to be a medieval fantasy AU involving magic and all that jazz. If you'd be interested in reading it, please, please, PLEASE let me know in the comments! I want to know if it'll be worth posting any of what I've written, if anybody'll actually read it. Thank you!


	11. Liquid Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Celebrating the success of the latest expedition with her comrades, Cadet (L/N) gets brave enough to make her move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so that you're aware: this will not be very explicit. I'm really, really asexual and super uncomfy writing content like that. But without further ado... this!

The turnout for the celebration in the mess hall was impressive. While you sat and drank with Johanna and a few other cadets, you let your eyes wander, picking out familiar faces. You weren't very surprised to see Squad Leader Hange with a mug in her hand, her cheeks ruddy from alcohol while she chattered on, more than likely about her first round of tests on the captured Titans. You almost wanted to venture over and listen in but you'd never get the chance to  _leave_. Pitying the poor cadets she'd roped into listening to her, you went back to people-watching, swallowing a mouthful of ale. There was a particularly elite scout called Nanaba; you'd spoken to them a couple of times, and when you caught their eye you raised your flagon slightly in greeting, a gesture they returned.

Your gaze wandered again. You nearly spit your drink back into your mug when you spotted Commander Smith. He was standing with several scouts, looking more relaxed than you'd ever seen him, his mouth pulled into an easy grin. Every now and then he'd laugh, and take a swig of his drink. You could almost believe he wasn't your superior, seeing him like this. His presence seemed to boost morale through the roof. You couldn't spot a single solemn face in this sea of scouts.

You also couldn't spot the one person you'd been looking for all evening.

It occurred to you that you hadn't ever had the chance to see Levi at a social event like this. Parties weren't something the Survey Corps really did. There had never been an occasion as far as you knew. But you'd assumed he'd want to join the festivities. He might not have seemed like an extroverted figure, but you knew he valued his comrades - why wouldn't he want to spend a more or less relaxed night with them? You had to wonder if he had something against parties. Or maybe something was wrong. Didn't he enjoy a good drink every now and then? What if he didn't drink at all? Where  _was_ he?

"Tonight's supposed to be the one night where you're not using that funny little head so much," complained Johanna, reaching out to ruffle the top of your head, mussing up (H/C) locks. You batted her hand away, scowling without completely meaning it.

"Just wondered why the captain wasn't here," you said, finishing your drink. It'd been your second. Third maybe.  _Definitely_ not your fourth. You weren't intoxicated. Really. 

"Huh, you're right." The blonde rose in her seat slightly to scan the mess hall. "I wouldn't have pegged him as a party-goer anyways. He's probably shut himself up in his office so he doesn't have to watch us make a mess of everything." 

"Mm." You didn't think that was the case. Sure, if he were here, he'd probably be a bit irritated - mopping up the occasional spill, sending particularly trashed cadets to bed. But it wasn't bad enough that he'd lock himself away, was it? You pushed your chair back from the table, standing. "I think I've hit my limit."

"What?" Johanna groaned. " _Lightweight_."

"I for one don't want to wake up for training with a hangover." You snickered. "Imagine being the one that pukes on the captain's boots." You could've sworn her face paled slightly at the thought and she looked into her mug, trying to decide if it was worth it. Finally she shrugged and chugged down the rest of it, rising to find herself another. "I admire your tenacity, Johanna. Good luck in the morning."

"Thanks, (F/N)." She grinned at you, patting your shoulder as she made her way to the kegs. "Get some sleep, loser." 

You waved her off with light laughter on your lips before you left the mess hall. Part of you actually considered going straight to bed and getting a decent night's sleep. But a bigger, louder part of you - a part that was probably influenced by the alcohol you'd ingested that evening - told you  **to hell with that** and steered you in the direction of Levi's office. You knocked on the door, bouncing on your toes, hardly able to sit still with the anxiety rushing through you. Your heart was beating a million miles a minute, it felt. You weren't even sure what you were going to do when you saw him. But you needed to see him. Needed to say something, do something. But he didn't answer the door and a tentative tug on the handle told you the room was locked. Your brow furrowed. It was barely an hour after sundown, surely he of all people wouldn't be going to bed right now,  _tonight_ _._

It only took you a couple of minutes to find yourself in front of his bedroom door. You didn't even hesitate to rap on the wood like you might normally. There was no reluctance or worry. No second guessing. Not a single doubt worked its way into your head. You were determined to see him and - do something about it. You heard the shuffling of feet and then the door opened, candlelight spilling over his shoulders and into the hallway. You looked up at him, a half smile hanging on your face. He looked down at you, brows furrowed inquisitively. Before he could ask what the hell you were doing there, you grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him down to kiss his lips. 

Breaking away after a second, you blurted out, "I don't - I don't know what  _this_ is," and you gestured between the pair of you then, "but I like it."

He was studying your face with those sharp, stormy eyes like he was looking for something. You weren't sure if he found it, or if he didn't find it, but whatever the case, he was satisfied. His hand found your waist, pulling you inside his room. You shut the door with your foot and he eased your back against it, mouth capturing yours fervently. His fingers curled in the fabric of your shirt. Yours curled in his dark hair. He pressed himself flush against you and you gasped slightly against his mouth.

His lips started trailing kisses down your jawline and neck. You tilted your head back slightly, already breathing heavy. Everything about this was new but you weren't tense, or nervous. Not in his arms. The warmth in your belly from drinking hadn't dissipated. If anything, it was getting warmer. You felt his teeth tentatively graze your skin and you inhaled sharply. A couple more kisses were pressed against the curve of your neck before he pulled his head back just enough to mutter, "Damn it, (F/N)." 

"Ha," was all you could manage, with a smile directed up towards the ceiling. 

"I don't know what the hell this is either," he admitted, and straightened up, pulling your chin down so your gazes locked. "But I'm willing to find out." Your face flushed and you nodded slightly. His knee pressed between your legs and his lips crashed back into yours with a new sense of urgency. Your hands trailed down his chest, working at the buttons of his shirt, tugging it down off his shoulders. He wrestled his own arms free and let the fabric drop to the floor before he assisted you in removing your shirt. It went flying somewhere over his shoulder. You didn't care to pay attention to it once it left your torso. 

Before you quite knew what was happening, you'd been picked up, your legs hooked around his waist. And shortly after that, you were dropped onto his mattress a bit rougher than you'd anticipated, and he was leaned over you, kissing his way towards the waistband of your trousers. Those didn't stay on for much longer. Neither did his. 

* * *

"Your hair is a fucking mess." 

Tugging your left boot back on and regaining your balance, you paused a moment to study your reflection in the mirror. The wild strands of (H/C) looked a bit like a rat's nest but that wasn't  _your_ fault, and the look you shot Levi told him as much. He scoffed. You returned to making yourself presentable enough to wander the halls, buttoning your shirt up. It'd taken you several minutes to find it once you realized you'd have to get your ass back to your quarters. You couldn't emerge from an officer's room the night after possibly the only party the Survey Corps had ever thrown. People would talk. It didn't matter how right they'd technically be. 

"Yours isn't pristine either," you pointed out, combing your fingers through your hair desperately. He scowled in your direction but did the same as soon as he'd put his pants back on. His hand rested on your hip, turning you round to face him so he could duck down and kiss you. You paused to kiss him back, lingering in it a bit longer than you'd meant to. But he made it so difficult to pull away. Eventually, he released you and gave you a somewhat gentle shove towards the door.

"Get some sleep, brat."

"Good night, captain," you teased before you slipped out into the corridor, shutting the door softly after yourself. So much for your responsible decision to leave the festivities early; it must've been the middle of the night now, possibly long past it. 

You crept to bed, passing a slumbering and snoring Johanna, hesitating when you realized she'd sprawled herself out without removing her shoes or pulling up the blanket. You sighed. You were  _exhausted_ but you couldn't just leave your clearly hungover best friend in such a state. Unlacing and tugging off her boots without waking her proved challenging, but eventually you rolled her into a more comfortable position, tucked the blanket around her, and stumbled to your own cot. Your boots were left haphazardly on the floor and you flopped down, cozying up in the sheets and disturbing poor Cadet Whiskers, who'd been happily curled on your pillow. He took his usual place at your belly and you gave his head an apologetic scratch before you pulled your blanket up to your nose.

It didn't really matter what the morning brought, you thought distantly, allowing yourself to drift off. At least you'd had tonight.


	12. Broken Mirror (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) finds a body.

"You've been acting odd." Johanna frowned at you over breakfast. "I've never known you to be this cheerful in the mornings. Remember how I had to drag you out of bed just last week for you to wake up on time for morning drills?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," you scoffed, busying yourself with your meal before she could expect more of an answer. She tapped her spoon against her bowl, still watching you, her eyes narrowed suspiciously. You struggled to keep an entirely blank face. She'd never believe it, but she wouldn't be able to prove anything. 

"I  _will_ find out." She pointed her spoon at you threateningly. You gave her a cheeky thumbs-up. 

You knew you'd probably been behaving a little out of the ordinary, but the changes were good ones. A little more confidence, bit more spunk. Definitely more occasion to smile. Something to work harder and fight fiercer for. Training still exhausted you down to your bones, but you were pushing yourself more and more anyways.  _Whatever it was_ between you and Levi, it gave you a very big, very important reason to face down the Titans and come back breathing. 

Starting to clear away your dishes, you told her, "I've got to be off."

"What? Where are you going?" She scrunched up her nose at you. 

"Captain's giving me a one on one lesson. Mind bringing Cadet Whiskers a scrap or two for me?" You pulled your best pout, and continued until she rolled her eyes and waved a hand at you.

"Go, go, go. Can't keep the captain waiting, he'll have you scrubbing half the castle. I've got Cadet Whiskers' breakfast." 

"Thank you!" 

Levi was waiting for you, strapping on his omni-directional gear, glancing up as you approached. His lips twitched into a smile. That wasn't so rare around you anymore. Seemed you weren't the only one with a shift in behavior. He moved to help you gear up, pressing the briefest of kisses to the top of your head before he shot his cables into the trunk of the nearest tree. You followed suit, clambering onto a sturdy branch with him. The goal for the morning was to practice maneuvers that required a partner. Next time you were both sent out into Titan territory, you could rely on one another to make your attacks stronger if you fought as a team. And if the maneuvers proved worthwhile, they could be practiced by other scouts. It had been your idea. Teamwork was imperative on expeditions, after all. 

And if one thing could be said for you and the captain, it was that you made an unstoppable team.

There was an unshakable trust built between you. You could put your life in his hands without thinking twice about it. He could rely on you to follow through without hesitation. The next time you engaged Titans with him at your side, you knew you wouldn't have to be nearly as afraid. You'd make it through. The inevitably upcoming expedition didn't seem nearly as daunting with that in mind, and with the success of the previous mission still so fresh. 

You were finished practicing a couple of hours later, panting and covered in sweat. Levi wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, grimacing. Both of you needed a break before you could proceed with any of your afternoon plans. You trailed after him back towards his office. He'd settle behind his desk and you'd settle in front of it, and you'd talk for a while, maybe you'd help him with some of his paperwork if there was a particularly large amount of it this week. It was his least favorite part of being an officer - he was a man of action, he liked to remind you, usually gesturing at a stack of reports with disdain,  _not_ a man of desk-work. 

"I could use a cup of tea," he ventured, glancing at you from the corner of his eyes. You pursed your lips at him but nodded.

"You go on ahead. I can probably find something to stuff my face with in the kitchens anyways. Wouldn't mind having a look." You parted ways with him as soon as you entered headquarters, taking separate hallways to separate destinations. 

Boiling the water took about fifteen minutes, and the tea needed to steep for ten more before it was strong enough that Levi wouldn't cringe at sipping it. You found yourself leftovers from that morning to munch on while you waited. With a full stomach and a steaming teacup in your hands, you set off for the captain's office, turning the corner to a strange sight. There was a shape crumpled at the end of the hall. Your lips twitched into a frown and you hesitated in your gait, unsure you wanted to go near it. You approached a bit cautiously, minding the cup you were carrying as it wobbled on its saucer. The closer you got, the more you were able to make out that it wasn't a thing.

It was a person.

They lay in an unnatural position, and they didn't appear to be moving at all. In fact, they didn't appear to be  _breathing_ at all. Your heart nearly stopped. You smelled the blood before you saw it but there it was, pooled on the stone floor, bright crimson. The china slipped from your hands and smashed at your feet, shattering into pieces and spilling its contents on your boots. The sound startled you enough to make you jump slightly. But you quickly forgot the broken teacup as you realized you knew the person bleeding in the corridor.

"Johanna...?"

She didn't move. She didn't make a single noise. You stumbled forward, slipping in the blood surrounding her, catching yourself but still falling to your knees all the same. You reached out to shake her shoulder, to gently touch the rips in the fabric of her shirt. You withdrew your hand. Your fingers were red.

"Johanna? JOHANNA?!" 

You were screaming now. Panic was overtaking you. The hyperventilation would start any second. You didn't know what to do. She was gone already, you knew that. Her chest wasn't moving. Her eyes were unfocused, blankly staring up at the ceiling. There was  _so much blood_. A door slammed open and multiple pairs of boots were scrambling towards the sound of your screaming. You couldn't see anything but her. Hands slid under your arms, trying to pull you up but settling for pulling you back when your legs refused to support your weight. You vaguely fought to stay at her side but you weren't able to break free of whoever was holding you. Your face felt wet. You were crying. You didn't really feel like you were crying, but it was happening anyways. 

No. No, this isn't... this isn't happening. This can't be  _happening_. Please, Johanna,  **please**. 

Were you saying that, or thinking it? You couldn't be sure. There were a couple of scouts lifting her body from the ground and carrying it out of sight. Your tear-filled eyes fixed on the pool of blood that was left behind. You couldn't tear your gaze away from it. That was all that was left of your best friend. You'd spoken to her only hours ago.  _This can't be happening_. Someone saying your name, desperately trying to get your attention, finally snapped you out of the daze you found yourself in. Your (E/C) orbs locked onto the face of Squad Leader Hange. She crouched in front of you, blocking your view of the blood. Her hands held your shoulders. She must have been the one that pulled you away. 

"(F/N). I need you to focus on me," she was saying. "What happened?"

"I don't..." The words you wanted stuck in your throat. Forcing them out was almost physically painful. "I don't know. I was... bringing Captain Levi tea and... she was..."

"Can you walk?" You shook your head. "Okay, I'm going to assist you."

She was helping you up again and you had to lean the majority of your weight on her in order to take even the smallest of steps without faltering completely. The trip to the infirmary felt like it took ages. But if you were asked to recount it to anybody, you wouldn't be able to remember a single second of it. You were sitting on a cot before you knew it, toes barely scraping the floor, hands limp in your lap. Medical staff had already cleared you of any physical injuries. What you were suffering now was shock. You were acquainted with shock. There was little to do except wait for it to pass. 

A sob tore through your chest. You bent forward, head in your hands. Another sob. And another, and another. You couldn't hold them back anymore. The image of Johanna, lifeless, was burned into your mind and you couldn't escape it. Your fingers tightened painfully in your own hair. You weren't sure how much time had passed, but you felt hands on top of yours eventually, pulling them from your head and forcing you to release your grip on your (H/C) locks. You sniffled and lifted your head up to see Levi knelt in front of you. His expression was unreadable. You choked on your next sob and slid from the mattress, slumping against his chest. His arms carefully slipped around you and held you to him. He didn't say anything. You didn't want him to.

You didn't know how you got to a bed, but next thing you knew you were in one, lying so you faced a wall. Not your quarters then. It smelled like fresh linen. Levi's room. Levi's bed. You were grateful. You weren't sure you could stomach the sight of Johanna's empty cot. You sat up, head aching, and squinted at the window. The sunlight pouring through the glass seemed brighter than it should have been. How much time had passed, for that to be an early morning sun? You swung your feet over the edge of the bed and felt them touch the floor tentatively, hoping they'd hold your weight when you put it on them. 

You didn't get the chance.

"Like hell you're getting up." Levi shut the door behind himself as he entered, moving quickly to keep you from rising. 

"How long have I been here?" You didn't recognize your voice right away. It sounded hollow. Johanna would have hated that.

"Since yesterday evening." The captain folded his arms across his chest. "Don't be an idiot, (F/N)."

" _Fuck_ you," you snapped. He refused to budge. 

"And what the hell do you plan on doing when you walk out of here?" His eyes narrowed. "No one is doing anything except investigating, and grieving."

"I don't know what I'm going to do! But I'm  _not_ going to sit around! My best friend is dead!" You were trembling in anger.

"Have you thought about  **why**?" Levi demanded, and you opened your mouth to reply, only to realize you hadn't. "The letter you brought me, (F/N). The one from the fireplace. Do you remember it?" All you could manage was a slow nod. "Someone went to a lot of trouble to ensure the contents would never be read. For all that person knows, Wagner read the damn thing. For all that person knows,  _you_ read the damn thing." 

Your heart leaped into your throat. This was all happening so fast.  _This can't be happening_.

"Until we know the truth behind Wagner's murder," you flinched at the word, "you're staying where you'll be safe."

To his credit, he was as calm as he ever was. It seemed as though none of this had caused a single ripple across his stoic surface. But you sensed the urge to protect you - you sensed the turmoil raging inside him. He was facing a human enemy now, one he couldn't put a name or face to. You took a deep breath and when you exhaled, you forced the tension from your body. Your shoulders slumped. The tears came again, though they were fewer. You supposed you'd already cried most of them. Levi unfastened his cravat and used the fabric to not-so-gently wipe them from your cheeks. 

"Thank you Levi," you said after a minute of silence. For once, he didn't scoff. He only nodded.


	13. Broken Mirror (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) steps up to inform Cadet Wagner's family of her death, and finds herself standing on their doorstep with a bloodstained uniform and unwanted parallels.

Johanna never talked very much about her family. The most you knew was that they lived in Trost, and that she'd lost her parents prior to joining the Survey Corps. You only found out about the rest of them when you asked Commander Smith. Upon finding out she had an older sister, aged thirty, that looked after their younger brother, aged eleven, with her husband, you volunteered for the duty that no soldier ever wanted. You would carry the news of Johanna Wagner's murder to Trost. You would stand on that family's doorstep and bring their world crashing down around them in a single moment. And you wouldn't even be able to bring them justice; maybe not for some time, maybe not ever. The thought left you sick to your stomach. But it had to be you and you knew it.

The commander knew it too. He made no move to argue with you. He simply commended you for it, and sent you on your way with her effects. 

You tied off your horse several doors down, glancing up towards the sky. The clouds had drawn over the sun, as though shielding it from the coming events. They were turning an angry gray. Like the color of Levi's eyes but even more intense. You could feel the storm brewing in the air. It made the hairs rise on the back of your neck. It made your shoulders feel heavy. You absentmindedly drew a bundle of cloth from your saddlebags, trying not to look down at it. You'd never thought you'd see the day where you would be the one delivering a comrade's uniform to their next of kin. You'd imagined your friends dying so many times. But you'd never imagined the aftermath, not like this.

Pacing the cobblestones, you felt the first raindrops against your skin. You felt a sharp pang. The people you were about to meet would forever associate the rain with death. At least for a long time, they'd never be able to look up at a stormy sky without remembering this day. Your grip tightened on Johanna's bloody uniform.

Finally, you stood on their doorstep. Here, you were sheltered from the rain as it started to pour heavily behind you. The chill found you nonetheless. You swallowed. Your throat was dry. Your hand raised and you knocked purposefully on the door. The sound rang dully in your ears. 

_You were watching a butterfly out the window. You didn't see the soldier pass; he must have come from the other direction. He knocked on the door. The sound rang out through the warm, pleasant house. Your head turned but you didn't get up since your mother was already bustling towards the door to answer it, a smile on her face. Sometimes Edmund would visit home without telling you. Whenever you heard that firm soldier's knock, you could be sure you were minutes away from being wrapped in a bear hug, courtesy of your big brother._

The door swung open and you came face to face with a tall woman with a light spray of freckles, and a tumble of blonde hair. Your heart sank. She looked so much like her sister. This would be even more difficult than you thought it would be. Her dark eyes swept over you - from the look on your face, to the insignia on your jacket. Her mind was racing. You were from the Survey Corps, the same branch as Johanna, but you weren't Johanna. Why would a scout be on her doorstep? Unless... 

Her gaze trailed to the bundle of bloodstained clothes you cradled in your arms, and it stayed there. She didn't speak. She didn't move. 

"Heidi Fischer?" you asked finally. You could hardly believe how steady your voice was.

"Yes," she whispered. She didn't look up at you. Couldn't.

"I'm Cadet (F/N) (L/N) of the Survey Corps, ma'am. I'm here because... because Cadet Johanna Wagner is dead." You tightened your jaw. "On behalf of the Survey Corps, please accept her uniform, and our deepest condolences."

_"Hanne (L/N)?" asked the soldier. Your mother was staring in disbelief. You craned your neck to see what it was she was looking at, but all you could see was a pile of clothes held in strong arms. You furrowed your brow._

_"Yes." Her voice faltered._

_"I'm Arnold Schneider with the Survey Corps, ma'am. Your son, Edmund (L/N), died in the line of duty." The uniform was held out. "On behalf of the Survey Corps, please accept his uniform, and our deepest condolences." Your blood ran cold._

"How... how did she die?" Heidi was struggling to hold herself together long enough to take the uniform from your arms. 

"She was murdered, ma'am. An investigation is being conducted internally, as well as by the Military Police." You took note of the shock written across her face. You understood. Nobody would expect an answer like that, especially not the family member of a scout. "I'm sorry. She was my comrade, and... and my best friend." 

Panic seized you when the woman sank to the floor and began sobbing. She wasn't able to hold it in any longer. A man you realized must have been standing behind her the whole time rushed to take her into his arms, holding her close against his chest, stroking her hair. Her husband, you assumed. And then your eyes found the little boy making his way over. There were fresh tears on his freckled cheeks. He took hold of the door handle and looked up at you.

"Thank you, miss cadet," he said softly before he closed the door. 

_"... I'm sorry. He was my comrade," the soldier was saying as your mother dropped to the floor, clutching Edmund's uniform to her chest, wailing. Your father was at her side in moments, taking her into his arms. His face was contorted with grief. He was staring at what remained of his son, unable to form words. Hardly able to comfort his wife. You stepped up and took hold of the door handle, tilting your head up towards the soldier. He seemed to want to cry._

_You realized how hard this must have been for him too. They fought together. They were probably friends._

_"Thank you, sir." And you closed the door._

You turned away from the Fischer residence. Your arms felt painfully empty without Johanna's uniform weighing them down. Rain poured down over your head, and down your shoulders, but you didn't really care. You mounted your horse and started back home again. The blow you'd delivered to Heidi and her little brother was a devastating one. It was a blow you'd suffered before, and you felt sick when you realize how similar the instances were. A bitter smile spread across your lips. Hadn't Johanna remarked that you were so very different, but by the same token, so very similar? You tightened your grip on the reins.

If only she'd known she'd been right up until the very end. 


	14. Spring Cleaning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the investigation into Cadet Wagner's murder continues, Cadet (L/N) assists Captain Levi Ackerman in cleaning his office.

"Are you paying attention?  _Oi_." Levi smacked the back of your head and you dropped the rag you were holding. Your cheeks burned when you realized you'd spaced out while you were meant to be cleaning the glass of his office window. The only thing you could offer him was a sheepish smile. He scowled at you and retrieved your cloth for you. You felt bad; you'd offered to help him clean his office and he trusted you enough not to constantly follow behind and check your work, but you couldn't seem to focus very well. As he handed the damp rag back to you, you watched his eyes narrow. He leaned in slightly, inspecting your features, dredging for an explanation for your behavior. 

He wouldn't find one. You were determined to keep this much, at least, to yourself. He might guess it had to do with Johanna's death and the investigation the Military Police were conducting, but that was as far as he'd get - and you wouldn't let him ask questions either. You might not be able to stop thinking about it but you could refrain from talking about it. You turned back to the glass. He made some kind of frustrated sound in the back of his throat but decided not to push you. If you were determined to suffer by yourself like an idiot, he told himself, he'd just have to let you. And he _hated_ it. 

"You were saying?" you prompted, remembering he'd been trying to get your attention for something. 

"Tch." You could physically feel the eye roll he directed at the back of your shoulders. "Erwin's sending me to town like some fucking errand boy tomorrow. I want you to come with me." You paused in wiping the window pane but didn't turn around, resuming the motions after a moment.

"Yeah, okay." It wouldn't hurt to get away from headquarters for a little while. As an added bonus, you could avoid the MPs for an afternoon. If you had to suffer one more spontaneous interrogation in a hallway as you passed by them, you'd start throwing punches. Your inability to restrain yourself from impulsive emotional outbursts would only complicate matters. You were well aware that, for one reason or another, the MPs investigating Johanna's murder hadn't cleared you as a suspect. It infuriated you, the anger simmering in your chest, threatening to rise to a boil at any moment. 

Once you were sure the windows were as sparkling as they were going to be, you stuffed the rag into your pocket and stepped back to admire the view. It hadn't been filthy in the room when you started, but somehow it felt like it had been compared to now. And it made you feel good. Your hard work had paid off, leaving behind polished surfaces and meticulously organized paperwork. You imagined that was partly why Levi had his neatness obsession. You supposed you couldn't blame him for it. You were pulled from your thoughts once again by the sound of the doorknob turning, and the door itself leaving the safety of the door frame. You and the captain turned in sync, and you both spoke at the same time:

" **STOP**!" 

Commander Smith stood at the threshold looking startled, his mouth half-open, having been prepared to take a step into the room. He raised his extremely distracting eyebrows, cerulean hues dancing between you and Levi. You grimaced apologetically; you'd just shouted at the commander of the Survey Corps. Shit. Levi, however, didn't seem bothered one bit. His eyes were fixed on Erwin's boot, staring until the muscular blond cautiously placed it back down on the floor outside the office. He quirked one massive brow higher than the other, as if asking if he'd done the right thing. Levi's shoulders relaxed a fraction in response. He raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, annoyed nonetheless. 

"Erwin, I _just_ waxed these damn floors," he said slowly. He made a sweeping gesture to include his sock-clad feet, and yours. Two pairs of boots were lined up neatly at the door and Erwin took note of them as well. 

"Ah." He chuckled slightly, stooping to remove his own boots. You tried not to appear stunned. He left his shoes outside and crossed the threshold with his confidence restored. A smile was spread across his face and you were reminded, not for the first time, that he and Levi were friends (or at least something similar). At any rate, Erwin understood and respected Levi much the same as you did. "Spring cleaning, are we?"

"Tch," Levi responded. 

"(L/N)," Erwin greeted you warmly. It never ceased to confuse you, the way he could go from, well, _commanding_ , to friendly. You'd seen him lead, you'd seen him make the toughest calls with the blankest of expressions, you'd seen him angry and shouting, you'd seen him fighting. But you'd also seen him laugh wholeheartedly, offer sympathy and comfort, and shake hands with all the eagerness in the world every time he met someone. He was multi-faceted, no doubt, and you'd barely been able to figure him out. 

"Commander," you said, saluting him a bit uncertainly. He dismissed your rigid stance and allowed you to return to the casual manner you'd been standing in moments ago. 

"I was told you added five more confirmed kills to your record this last expedition," he said, sweeping his eyes over you briefly. "One of those was an Aberrant?"

"Yes sir." You were always nervous discussing your performance in the field. You could never be sure if you were being praised or admonished. But then he was smiling again, practically radiating with pride that made you feel as though he was taking very personal satisfaction in your developing ability.

"Good work. We're lucky to have you. You'll make a Team Leader in no time," he assured you. Your face flushed. That was high praise indeed, especially coming from the commander. His attention turned back to Levi as though he suddenly remembered why he'd come in the first place. "I wanted to speak with you about your errands tomorrow."

"I asked (L/N) to assist me." Levi folded his arms, leaning himself against his desk. Erwin glanced back at you.

"I trust your judgement," he said after a moment of thought. "But I wanted to remind you not to get directly involved. You are tasked with observing."

"I told you I'd take care of it," grumbled the captain.

"What exactly are we doing tomorrow?" you spoke up, confusion written all over your face. Commander Smith linked his hands behind his back.

"The Military Police are conducting an investigation into Cadet Wagner's murder," he explained, "but that doesn't mean we aren't going to conduct our own investigation."

"Erwin's asked me to follow our Military Police friends tomorrow," Levi clarified. You looked back and forth between both of them. You were afraid to ask.

"Sir, do you think that..."

Erwin held up a hand and you trailed off, hesitantly. You needed to know but you sensed that he had no interest in telling you everything. You glanced at the captain and realized that, despite his blank expression, he was as clueless as you were when it came to Erwin's intentions. That should have worried you. Instead, it comforted you. Levi trusted him enough to comply without understanding everything. If it was good enough for him, you thought it could be good enough for you too. You nodded silently, a gesture the commander returned with the faintest of smiles.

"I'll leave you to it." He took his leave, collecting his boots from the doorway and shutting the door behind himself.

Almost immediately after he left, you felt Levi's hand connect with the back of your head again. You shot him a dirty look, rubbing the spot.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked. "Back to work, brat."

"Back to work, brat," you mouthed, mocking him when his back was turned. He paused and you widened your (E/C) orbs slightly. No way he knew! Before he could speak, you scrambled to get back to cleaning, cheeks burning bright red.


	15. Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) and Captain Levi search for the culprit in the case of Cadet Wagner's murder.

 

"Are you ready yet?" Levi's irritated voice was muffled slightly by the door, which you presently opened, a smirk playing on your lips.

"Patience is a virtue," you cooed, (S/T) hands reaching up to finish tying your (H/C) tresses with a ribbon.

You couldn't remember the last time you'd worn civilian clothes. The dress that hung from your frame felt foreign and you almost wanted to risk blowing the entire mission just to change back into your uniform. The feeling of Levi's slate hues dancing over you increased your feelings of self-consciousness. Your fingers absentmindedly smoothed a crease from the skirt. The fabric was of a higher quality than you'd ever owned, dyed a particularly rich shade of (F/C). Some years ago, you'd probably have adored this dress. Now you felt like it was caging you. You worried about your ability to run and fight, even if you had been assured you wouldn't be engaging your targets.

Levi, of course, didn't have those worries - his shirt and trousers were no far cry from the military uniform. You had to admit, though, as you gave him a quick once-over, he looked good. He cleared his throat and you quickly brought your eyes back up to his face, flushing. He was caught between looking amused and looking annoyed, and he refused to settle on one or the other.

"What's with the ribbon?" He gestured to your hair and you huffed.

"I thought it suited me." You folded your arms over your chest. "What's with the..." But you couldn't find anything out of place about him, and it infuriated you. You shouldered past him. "Let's go, Levi. We're wasting time."

"Patience is a virtue," he shot back, following you. You didn't glance back at him but if you had, you'd have seen him smiling.

Under any other circumstances, a jaunt into town with Levi might have been very enjoyable for you. You liked spending time away from headquarters occasionally. Being among the citizens reminded you what you were fighting for: not just  _your_ chance to reclaim the world beyond the Walls, but  _their_ chance too. Even with the ever-present threat of the Titans, life went on behind Wall Rose. Merchants peddled their goods, children played in the streets, and everywhere you looked there was someone with a smile on their face. The city was buzzing with activity. 

And none of them had any idea that you and Levi were investigating a murder. 

The thought gave you pause. These people, the only enemy they truly feared was the Titans. They probably didn't worry so much about what their fellow humans could do to them. You swallowed, your throat suddenly dry. If only they knew the truth. But  _you_ didn't even know the truth, not the entirety of it anyways. All you knew was that for one reason or another, Commander Smith wanted you shadowing the MPs. 

You were following them now, Levi at your side. Your hands were joined. You'd never thought you'd find yourself wandering about, fingers laced between Levi's, but you needed to diminish suspicion as much as possible. You were simply a young couple enjoying the beautiful spring sunshine. No one glanced twice at you as you wound your way through the cobblestone streets, forcing yourself to pace much slower than your instincts wanted you to, remaining just close enough to the MPs to follow their movements. They were in quite the hurry to get somewhere, walking quickly, heads angled down. You were struggling to keep up while trying to behave normally. Levi squeezed your hand, sensing your frustration. You couldn't afford to lose them.

They turned down an alleyway and you exchanged a look with the captain, your hands breaking apart as you veered to follow. Fortune granted you a stack of empty crates to crouch behind not far from where your targets stopped. They were waiting for someone, or something. You rested your hands on the edge of one of the boxes, the rough wood rubbing against your palms. Though it was still bright with sunlight here, it was dimmer than the streets, and you were acutely aware of how closed in you were. You felt Levi's hand against your back and you took a deep breath, nodding just slightly.  _I'm fine._  

"Took you fuckin' long enough." The voice belonged to one of the MPs. He was the taller of the pair, with a head of auburn hair and sharp features.

"Sneaking away isn't easy." This one sounded very vaguely familiar, as though you'd heard it in passing once or twice. It also sounded very bored. "Try not to worry so much. Stress is very bad for you."

"You expect us not to worry?" hissed the other MP, a man with dark hair and dark eyes. "You murdered a scout."

"I murdered a cadet," corrected the familiar voice. "She discovered our correspondence. I didn't have time to destroy the letter completely. She might have been able to decipher some of it, I couldn't risk that. You understand, I'm sure. They'll never suspect me -  _if_ we don't meet in secret anymore."

"What about the other cadet?" demanded the first MP. You tensed up. Levi's fingers tightened into the fabric of your dress. 

"We can't direct suspicion onto her for long," agreed the second. "Someone is bound to catch on. What do you plan on doing about her?"

"My plan is my own. I've been entrusted with this." You didn't like the sound of that. "I told you not to worry. I've taken care of things this far, haven't I? Now, declare you weren't able to discover the killer, and return to Wall Sina. Your work there is far from finished."

The shuffling of feet approaching your hiding place startled you. Levi's hand clamped over your mouth to keep you silent. His arm slid around your waist and pulled you flush against him. He pressed himself into the corner between crates and building, and the MPs passed without noticing you. Once they disappeared around the corner, Levi released you and you rose up to peer over the tops of the crates. The alleyway was empty. Whoever they'd met with was gone, and you were barely any closer to uncovering their identity. Your hands clenched into fists.

"They're a scout," Levi said, drawing your attention to him as you both stood up straight.

"We need to get back to headquarters," you mumbled. He reached out to take your wrist, stopping you from going anywhere. 

"(F/N), wait." He narrowed his eyes at you. "We need to talk about this."

"About what?" You tried to pull yourself free but failed. "About the fact that Johanna was murdered by a  _traitor_ over a letter we couldn't even read? About the fact that their next move is to get rid of me too? What, Levi? What do we  _need_ to talk about?!"

"Shut up and listen to me." Levi's sharp tone made you close your mouth and stare up at him, a fire burning in your (E/C) eyes. He took hold of your face now, thumbs brushing across your cheeks. " _You_ are under _my_ protection, brat. No one is laying a filthy fucking finger on you." You struggled to relax but it wasn't easy. Your breathing was shaky. He drew you close to press his lips to yours, a little rougher than he probably intended. He let you go eventually. "Let's go. We have a report to give to Erwin."

You left the alleyway at his side, and you didn't remember any of the walk back to your horses, nor did you recall a moment of the ride back to headquarters. You simply suddenly found yourself standing at Commander Smith's desk with Levi, silent as the grave while he informed Erwin of the events that transpired in that alleyway. The blond listened intently, eyes flickering to you briefly before returning to Levi, nodding his head slowly. He placed his hands on the desk and stood, walking to the window, arms folded behind his back as he stared outside.

"Erwin?" Levi prompted. "(L/N) is in danger."

"She is," agreed the commander, though he didn't turn back to look at either of you. "Levi, you're dismissed."

"Erwin." The captain's voice dropped low.

"You're dismissed." 

Levi glanced at you before stalking out of the room, leaving you to stand confused, watching the tense shoulders of Commander Smith for a sign that you were also dismissed. Instead, he turned to look at you, his lips creased into a pensive frown. He was making a difficult decision, you realized. You'd seen that look on his face before.

"Sir?" you asked quietly.

"I can place you into protective custody," he informed you after a moment. "But I don't think that's what you want. I think you want to catch Cadet Wagner's killer." He took your silence for an affirmative, and pressed on. "There is something you can do to assist our investigation. It will not be pleasant, and it will place you directly into the path of the danger you're already in."

"I'll do it." The conviction in your voice was strong. Unwavering. Erwin had no doubt in his mind that you meant it wholeheartedly, and you earned his respect for it. He nodded his head, exhaling audibly.

"Very well, (L/N). Have a seat." He indicated the chair across from his desk, and you slowly lowered yourself into it, perched on the edge anxiously. He settled himself back in his own chair and folded his hands on top of his desk. His piercing blue gaze fixed on your face. "Here's what I need you to do."


	16. Cat and Mouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) learns the hard way that even outside Wall Rose, Titans are no longer the only enemy.

_If someone tells you to die... would you do it?_

The recon mission outside Wall Rose was meant to be a small one, and a small task force was deployed to handle it, led by Captain Levi while Commander Smith attended a meeting in Wall Sina. You rode behind him, Sofia galloping at your side. And fanned out behind you were three scouts that you had only seen in passing previously. Their presence was making you very nervous. Your hands tightened on your reins while your mind wandered back to the conversation you'd had with the commander several weeks before your departure. The thoughts were shaken away by the sudden realization of where you were; which village you were about to pass. You glanced to your captain and then to the girl beside you. They weren't looking at you and you were grateful for it. If they had met your eyes, they'd have seen the unspoken apology swimming in them, and you might not have been able to go through with this. 

You pulled hard on the reins without warning, veering sharply off course. The formation plowed ahead for several seconds before anyone realized what you were doing and by that time, you'd already made progress towards the abandoned, ruined village several hundred yards behind them. All you could hear was your own heavy breathing, your pulse roaring in your ears, and the thunder of your horse's hooves as they kicked up earth behind them. Everything was passing by in slow motion. You thought perhaps you picked up distant shouting behind you - your team, probably, demanding what you thought you were doing. But you shut them out of your head and kept going. The unexpectedness of your movements would have given you enough time to pull this off. 

Entering the village, your horse bolted down the main street before you guided it expertly between two empty storefronts, diving into an alleyway and rounding several corners, pulling yourself to an uneasy stop in a different alleyway. Your senses sharpened. You could hear the team - _Levi_ \- looking for you, but you weren't listening for that. You strained your ears. It would likely be so quiet, you'd miss it if you weren't careful. 

Footsteps. Slow, purposeful footsteps. You tilted your head to the side just slightly. You were almost positive you were hearing it. Your hands carefully found your gear, preparing for the very last second. Your heart pounded in your chest twice as hard now. One mistake was all it would take to end your life right now - and it wasn't even Titans you were so worried about.

"(F/N)!" Levi's voice cut through the air and you froze up. You hadn't expected him to find you so quickly. You hadn't expected him to turn up at the worst possible moment. "MOVE, (F/N), FUCKING MOVE!" 

"Shit," you swore, latching your cables onto one of the rooftops looming above your head, throwing your form up into the air. You heard someone else's gear working just behind you and a painfully familiar voice accompanied it, as bored as it had been in the alleyway you'd first heard it in. 

"Two can play at that game, cadet."

You had no time to look back at Johanna's murderer. The only thing you could think about was somehow dodging their flesh-paring blades while keeping them within the vicinity of the village. Under no circumstances could you lead them away from here. Had Levi not appeared when he did, this would have been much easier. You flew from building to building, twisting and diving, skirting around, above, and under your pursuer. Levi was watching you incredulously. He didn't understand why you weren't fleeing. It almost appeared like you were toying with them, desperately. It was a twisted game of cat and mouse and the worst part was that he genuinely couldn't tell which was which. 

When you glanced towards the ground, you caught a flash of color - a green cloak and a shock of blond hair. The conversation between you and Erwin crossed your mind again.

_"Here's what I need you to do." His broad shoulders were much more relaxed than they should have been. It appeared he had little trouble asking you to put your life on the line in the pursuit of the truth. You got the sense that there was more to it than a murder investigation. Did he think something else, something bigger, was going on? "I'll arrange a mission. Routine recon into Wall Maria territory. I'll assign Captain Levi to lead it. You will accompany him with the only other surviving member of your team. And so will the three scouts I believe most likely to be our traitor."_

_Your eyebrows raised in surprise. He already had suspects, then._

_"I will have it known that I'm attending some sort of meeting in Wall Sina. Do you see where I'm going with this?" prompted the commander, clearly probing your deductive abilities. You didn't want to disappoint. You had an oddly sinking feeling that you wouldn't._

_"I'll be out there with the three people most likely to be the murderer," you said slowly. "I'll be in Titan territory. My death or disappearance might not seem so out of place, or at least it'll be harder to properly investigate. Either Johanna's killer will already be with me or they'll have to somehow sneak away to follow and with the commander away, it'll be that much easier. You want to use me as bait to draw them out. But sir, where will you be?"_

_"The route I'll assign your team will pass by a village." His voice was full of pride. You felt your lips twitch upwards into a smile, as scared as you were. "I will take with me scouts I am certain can be trusted. We will wait for you, and your inevitable pursuer, to arrive - and we'll have them. If everything goes well, we'll be able to keep you from becoming their next victim. But understand there is the chance that everything will not go well." Erwin's bright blue eyes flashed dangerously, and he studied you very closely. "(F/N), if someone tells you to die... would you do it?"_

_You took a deep breath. You'd be an idiot if you weren't petrified in that moment. But if you wanted to catch the person who had betrayed the Survey Corps, and killed Johanna Wagner, you needed to put your life in your commander's hands. Whatever that meant for you. You slammed your fist against your chest and lifted your chin. That (L/N) fire was burning in your (E/C) eyes._

_"I have no intention of dying, sir!" It was something Edmund would have said, you realized as soon as it left your mouth. Commander Smith looked pleased._

_"We'll discuss the details at another time. Dismissed, cadet."_

The time was now. You twisted midair and latched your cables into a wall, beginning your maneuver. You would swoop beneath your would-be attacker. By the time they turned around and followed, you'd dip close to the ground, forcing them to do the same - right where the commander and his team were waiting. They wouldn't make it any further and you could get yourself to safety on the rooftops, where you could explain this entire mess to Levi. You hoped he wouldn't be too pissed off with you. But surely Erwin could get him to see reason if you couldn't. 

Levi saw the flash of silver before you did, but even then it was too late. The traitorous scout was prepared for your move. Your cables were cut just as you began to gain momentum. Your heart jammed itself into your throat. You were falling through the air, following the trajectory you'd been on. You didn't have time to try and change the path. You didn't have time to do much except brace for impact. The captain watched in horror as you hit the ground, skidding roughly against the ground until you slammed into a wall that effectively halted your body. You didn't move after that. He barely heard the sound of cables as the scout disappeared over the rooftops. It would only dawn on him later that they'd escaped. 

Your crumpled form was surrounded by Commander Smith and his team. Levi shoved a couple of them out of the way and stared down at you. You were conscious but it was clear that you wouldn't be for long. Your world was consumed by pain. Every breath you drew was shaky. They didn't sound right, with the blood gushing from your nose and whatever else you were suffering. Your uniform was in bad shape. He almost didn't want to know the extent of what state _you_ were in, the majority of it either internal or hidden by your clothes. The most anyone could do now was hope you could make it until you reached Wall Rose for medical attention. Two scouts were dispatched immediately to cart you off. Erwin stayed behind, aware that Levi would not be patient enough to wait for Wall Rose to confront him. He tucked his arms behind his back and watched the captain's shoulders tense up as you were spirited back to safety.

"You could have gotten her killed." He turned back slowly. "And you didn't think this operation was pertinent information to me?"

"You're emotionally involved, Levi." Erwin observed him cooly. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing; he didn't intend to chastise Levi for his feelings. He'd seen firsthand how they made him fight harder. Having something to both fight for and return to often had a positive effect on soldiers. "Next to no one was aware of the operation."

"I should have been!" he spat. "I would have known to let her go without interfering!" 

"And if you hadn't ridden after her, the killer would have deduced there was an ambush, and wouldn't have also pursued her. After all, they were riding with you. You did recognize the face, didn't you?" 

Levi deflated slightly. He despised that the commander was right - always right. There were very few ways this could have gone any better; none of them involved him knowing about the plan ahead of time. He nodded after a moment, face slipping back into a mask of disinterest. "Kurt Karpov."

He felt a hand on his shoulder and lifted his eyes to meet Erwin's. He saw no regret in them. No guilt. It should have bothered him, how easily his commander could put you in such danger. But he understood as well. He shrugged his hand off and turned away, pacing for his horse. He paused for a moment when he passed the spot where you'd first collided with the ground. There was blood in the dirt that had been dragged along with you. His jaw tightened and he kept walking, refusing to look back. The only thing he could think about now was hauling ass back to Wall Rose, and finding you wherever they'd brought you.

Fuck ambushes, fuck traitorous bastards, fuck debriefing. All of that bullshit could wait until he knew you would pull through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO I'M ON TWITTER NOW. Same username. I'll probably be posting updates & ideas, asking for opinions, taking requests. Stuff like that. Would be lovely to hear from you all! xx


	17. Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Important words are shared between Captain Levi and Cadet (L/N).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys encouraged me via Twitter to write something from Levi's POV, and I have! Which is why this chapter is not written in second person. Not sure how I feel about the structure or about including Levi's POV in a few chapters, so let me know what you think. Thank you!

His fingers drummed on the polished surface of his desk. The windows were cracked open behind him, not because he needed fresh air (it carried in all sorts of dust and pollen, frankly filthy) but because she liked it when the windows were open. And every time someone knocked on his door, he half expected it to be her, coming to report that she was awake and well. He should have known better. The medical staff all seemed to agree that if she woke up at all, it wouldn't be for some time. Medically, that was probably sound. They were still idiots, every single one of them. They didn't know (F/N) like he did. They didn't understand the kind of strength she possessed. 

She would wake up. She wouldn't be another Isabel, another Furlan. This time he would _not_ lose the person he cared most about in the world. He had to believe that, if he wanted to be able to keep going. 

The captain had spent the first couple of days at (F/N)'s bedside, refusing to 'abandon' her. Erwin had to give him direct orders to return to work. Maybe he dealt with the pain of being separated from her when she was in such dire condition by convincing himself she _wasn't_ in such dire condition. He wouldn't feel the need to sit with her all day and all night if he wasn't afraid that any breath might be her last; wouldn't keep imagining her sparkling (E/C) eyes if he wasn't afraid that shed' never open them again. He knew exactly what he was doing. Levi was hardly stupid. He just didn't care. 

"Levi."

Charcoal hues lifted from not actually reading a report towards the source of the interruption. Ah, Erwin. Levi hadn't even registered that he'd knocked, let alone walked in. The commander seemed all too aware of that, judging by the frown tugging at the corners of his lips. 

"What is it?" He wasn't entirely sure how he managed to keep his voice level when inside, he was desperate to know if this visit had anything to do with (F/N)'s status.

"She's awake." 

The words he'd been waiting to hear slammed into him harder than he'd been anticipating. Levi got up from his chair and made for the door, his shoulder grabbed by Erwin and held tightly to stop him. He fought for his features to remain calm, untroubled - he couldn't very well curl his lip at his commander, no matter how much he wanted to. 

"She isn't out of the woods yet, Levi. I need you to understand that."

"I need to be with her now, Erwin," he said quietly, refusing to acknowledge his warning. The blond exhaled audibly but released his soldier. 

Levi's feet carried him to the infirmary swiftly. They did not change trajectory, forcing several cadets and scouts to get out of his way before he knocked them aside. He _did_ wind up smacking his shoulder into a bespectacled cadet carrying a stack of papers comically twice her size, causing the loose leafs to scatter all over the corridor. That he felt a little bit bad about but he kept going nonetheless. He didn't announce his arrival, he simply barreled into the infirmary and his eyes fell on the young woman answering questions for a deeply concerned nurse.

"Do you know your name?"

"(F/N) (L/N), ma'am."

"Rank?"

"I'm a cadet in the Survey Corps, ma'am."

"Do you remember what happened to you?" 

Levi's breath caught in his throat.

"We were ambushing a traitor. They cut my lines and I fell." 

"Welcome back to the land of the living, Cadet (L/N)." The nurse smiled, gently patting the girl's shoulder. "It was certainly rocky there for a minute, and you're not entirely in the clear as of now - but we'll keep you under close supervision for the next few days and if you're getting on, I'm sure we can at least allow you to return to your quarters." A pair of chocolate brown eyes found Levi's face before returning to the cadet's. "I believe you have a visitor. Captain?"

(F/N) turned her head. Her eyes widened, just a fraction, but enough for him to catch. As Levi approached, a smile broadened over her features - that same stupid smile she had on so often, and here she was, putting it on again despite just clawing her way back from the brink of death. He'd never understand it. But he could admire it anyways. He drew a chair close to her bedside and sat down on it slowly, painfully aware that she was likely still in pain. He couldn't just yank her into his arms like he wanted to. He cleared his throat when he realized she probably expected him to say something. 

"Your damn cat's got his fur all over my sheets," he finally decided on. 

"Well, they wouldn't let him in here and he adores you." Her smile widened until the bridge of her nose and the corners of her eyes wrinkled. That was a one-hundred-percent genuine, beautiful (F/N) smile and Levi always marveled at being the recipient of it. He never felt like he deserved that. 

"I wish he didn't," he grumbled, folding his arms over his chest. "Dander fuckin' everywhere."

"I missed you too," she teased in response. 

"Tch." 

A comfortable silence spread between them for a minute or two. (F/N) turned to glance out the window, and Levi watched the sunlight as it played over her face. He considered that he was fortunate to have her returned to him. He considered that he'd been hesitant to let her in completely, due to the fear that a situation like this might happen. But now that it had happened, he realized how much of an idiot he'd been, and he loathed being an idiot. He knew full well that he shouldn't have held back. He couldn't very well keep his heart from doing anything - whether that was beating or pledging itself to someone. Ignoring it wouldn't keep her safe. Either one of them might soon only be reduced to a bloody uniform and a bittersweet memory. No, there was only one thing for it.

"(F/N)." 

And when she turned to look at him, he leaned forward to capture her lips with his, one of his hands cupping her cheek. She returned his kiss just as eagerly as he gave it, and when he pulled away, his hand remained on her face. She studied his visage, wondering about the intensely serious look it suddenly carried.

"I love you." There it was, out in the open, **finally**. (F/N)'s (E/C) gaze was fixed on him, unwavering. He couldn't tell if she was experiencing the same thrill running through her as he was. " _I love you_ , and you almost didn't give me the chance to tell you. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I love you too," she answered. Levi inhaled sharply. 

There was no taking it back then. Not for either of them. 

He leaned in again to kiss her and she responded in kind. This time it was a little more desperate, like Levi was trying to make sure she understood precisely what he meant by loving her. Words had never been his medium; hadn't mattered much in the underground, no matter how pretty and polished they were. He was always a man of action. That was the language he knew best, although until now he'd thought himself only proficient in violence. He was discovering he could use tenderness to much the same effect, at least where (F/N) was concerned. He drew back slowly and rested his forehead against hers. Their eyes remained closed. 

"Die on me, and I'll kill you," he said finally.

"Back atcha, captain."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for how short this is. I wanted it to be longer, but I'm really struggling to write at the moment. I felt horrible leaving you guys without an update for so long so I kinda forced myself to write this. I'm hoping to break through whatever blockage is plaguing me so I can get back to giving you proper updates. Please bear with me!


	18. Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cadet (L/N) begins to recover from the events of the last two months, and receives a commendation.

Looking at you now, it was almost hard to believe that you had been nearly killed two weeks ago. 

You stood with feet firmly planted in the dirt, body easing into a fighting stance as though it were the most casual thing in the world. Your (H/C) hair had been thrown up in a last minute fashion, stray strands sticking to your forehead with sweat. Your cheeks were rosy with effort, and you were nearly breathless. Facing you, poised to strike at any moment, was Levi. His stormy eyes never left your face. But yours never left the center of his chest, trying to read the subtle twitches of his body to gauge what he would do. The Survey Corps faced Titans but lately had begun discovering that they were not their sole enemy. There were other humans to worry about too. Everyone needed to be prepared. Sparring sessions gained increasing importance during training. But as far as you were concerned, Levi had determined that wouldn't be enough. The pair of you met on the training grounds to fight outside of normal drills. After all, you were a target.

Your heartbeat drummed quietly in your ears. Wind cooled the sweat dripping down the back of your neck, and brought you a little bit of relief from the sun's rays. Summer wasn't far away now - it had been almost a year since the fall of Shiganshina. And look how far you'd come.

You saw his move milliseconds before he actually made it. You brought up your arm to block his strike with the hollow of your wrist, delivering a blow to his exposed ribs with your other hand. Already past his defenses, you took the opportunity to swing your other arm up, taking his away from your blocking arm, stepping in close and gripping his arm to press him towards the ground. You could hear him grunt with effort, straining against your hold but unable to get enough footing to break out of it. Finally you sprang back, releasing him. He shook strands of raven hair from his face, nodding at you. His approval made your chest swell with pride. Humanity's Strongest was not easily brought down in a fight. 

He _had_ been an Underground thug once upon a time.

"The trouble with you is that you play by the rules," Levi spoke, drawing your attention completely. You twitched your lips into a frown. "People are shitty, (F/N). Prepare yourself for that."

In the time it took for you to furrow your brow, he'd managed to maneuver himself behind you, hooking one arm around your neck in a choke hold. You had only enough time to twist your head to the side, earning yourself just a few more seconds of oxygen. Levi acknowledged your quick thinking with a sound in the back of his throat, but you knew that he had no plans on letting go yet. You had to get yourself out. You took a wide arching step backwards, planting your right foot behind his left side and ducking your shoulder down to skirt his back. You brought up your right arm and drove your elbow (as gently as you could) into the back of his neck, forcing him not only to release you but to stoop. You finished him off by quickly unbalancing him, shoving your hand down to help him up as soon as he hit the ground.

"You're shaping up to be a formidable fighter." Commander Smith was approaching, wearing a small smile across his face. You saluted him, cheeks flushing at the unexpected praise. You almost missed the look he shared with your captain. When his sky hues came back to rest on your shoulders, there was even a glimmer of respect in their depths. "I understand the last couple of months have been difficult for you. Don't think your efforts have gone unnoticed. Your commitment to this regiment especially." 

"Thank you sir," you said quietly. 

"I'm not finished." His features softened and traces of pride might be detected if someone studied him close enough. "You now have over a year of service under your belt. You have proven yourself skilled in combat, and you are possessed of a sharp mind. You have put your life on the line willingly more than could be reasonably asked. And still, you persevere. Levi and I are both in agreement: it's high time you were promoted to Team Leader."

A chill ran down your spine. _Team Leader_. It was a big step, not only bringing you into the ranks of the scouts, but placing you in a position of authority. 

"You will, of course, remain on Levi's squad." 

"Th - thank you sir." You were completely stunned. Your doe eyes flickered to Levi, with his face entirely neutral, betraying no interest and offering no hint as to what was going on inside his head. You couldn't tell if he'd known about your impending promotion before Erwin approached. You couldn't tell if he approved, but you were sure he did. As soon as the commander left you, congratulating you with a hearty handshake, Humanity's Strongest approached you.

"It's about damn time," was all he said, hand falling to the small of your back and drawing you flush against him, lips capturing yours. Your cheeks flooded with color once more but you returned his kiss eagerly, barely able to bottle up the excitement building in your chest.

"Team Leader (F/N)." As soon as your mouths parted, you marveled at your new title, (E/C) eyes shining. "I really can't believe it, Levi. I'm... a proper soldier now."

"Tch. You've always been a soldier." He seemed tense about that. 

"(L/N)!" Leaning out of a window was a familiar woman with a boisterous personality, and a messy ponytail. She was waving an arm frantically to catch your attention. How exactly Squad Leader Hange had found out about your promotion in such record timing, you'd probably never know, but nonetheless, she shouted, "CONGRATULATIONS, TEAM LEADER!" You offered a partial wave in response to her, awkwardly. Not even a year with the Survey Corps could condition you to life with Hange Zoë.

"Get lost, Shitty Glasses!" Levi called across the training field, tone irritated. She disappeared into the building but you knew he'd catch hell for that later.

* * *

"(F/N)!" Sofia Karpov jogged to catch up with you in the hallway, her eyes bright, ponytail swinging behind her head. "Sorry - _Team Leader_ (F/N)! We've all just heard. I can't believe it took so long, really. You were an obvious candidate for promotion the day you got assigned to Levi's squad. After all," she added, grinning, "cadets don't get assigned to scout squads unless they're exceptional."

"Thank you, Sofia." It had to be the hundredth time that day your cheeks burned. "I really didn't expect it."

"'Course not." She knocked her shoulder into yours. "But you really do deserve it. Have you met the new team members yet?" When you shook your head, she looped her arm through yours, dragging you through the halls towards the courtyard excitedly. "Come on, then!" 

Golden sunlight poured over your shoulders, the warmth easing your aching muscles some as Sofia led you towards a couple of scouts chatting idly in the shade of a tree's canopy. The first was a particularly tall, fit young man with somewhat shaggy dark hair and a spray of freckles. He kept his arms behind his back, nearly standing at attention, though he managed to look completely relaxed at the same time. The second was a tall young woman with mousy brown hair cut short. The tip of her nose was upturned slightly, and she had a charming smile. Your friend and comrade released your arm from hers, only to place both hands on your shoulders, beaming like a proud mother.

"Burnell, Steffi, this is Team Leader (F/N) - our team leader." Sofia gave your shoulders a quick squeeze.

"We've heard a lot about you," Burnell turned his head to study you. You couldn't be sure, but you thought maybe you were smaller than he'd expected by the way his eyebrows shot up. Steffi wasted no time in shoving her hand out to shake yours, offering you what you assumed was her most dazzling smile.

"Steffi Cron," she said in a voice that sounded the way wildflowers looked blooming in the springtime. "You've done very brave things, Team Leader (F/N). I look forward to serving on your team." Her tone left no room to doubt the sincerity of her words. You weren't entirely sure how a person like her could actually exist, but she was bringing a smile to your face nonetheless. 

"As do I," agreed Burnell, stepping forward to also shake your hand. "Burnell Metzger."

"(F/N) (L/N)," you said, glancing between the three members of your team - the people whose lives you were now responsible for. Your leadership, your decisions, would have a role to play in determining whether or not they made it through future expeditions. It was a tough pill to swallow but you wanted to meet the challenge with grace. You couldn't let your commander or captain down. They thought you were ready for this so you needed to be. "Captain Levi wants us to get an early start tomorrow. I hope you're ready."

"3DMG training in the forest," Burnell noted.

"We're more than ready," Steffi promised. "We'll see you at dinner, won't we?"

You nodded; teammates generally always ate together, on top of everything else they did together. And it was important to build a foundation of teamwork and trust now, so that when it came time for the next expedition you would function like a well-oiled machine. Something told you it wouldn't be very difficult for the four of you to fall into working together, fortunately. You bid them goodbye for the afternoon, and left Sofia to talk with them. Without even realizing where your feet planned on going, you wound up in front of Levi's office. His door was mostly closed, but from the slight crack you could hear the tell-tale sounds of a fountain pen on paper. 

You shouldered open the door without knocking. He paused in his work to glance up at you, but once he recognized your face, he went back to writing with a 'tch'.

"Did you forget how to knock, brat?" 

"I'm sorry, knock? What's that?" you teased, sitting down across from him. "I met Burnell and Steffi."

"Hmm." What a very 'Levi' response. "What do you think of them?"

"I think I like them," you decided, crossing one leg over the other. "But I need to see how we work together tomorrow." He nodded curtly, not taking his eyes off the papers in front of him. "Any advice for a first-time team leader who's a little worried about how she's going to perform?" 

Now Levi's attention was completely on you. He laid down his pen slowly, exhaling. He needed to choose his words carefully - not only to comfort you, but to encourage you. 

"You've seen Erwin lead," he said finally, "and you've been under my command for quite some time. As much as I call you one, you're not an idiot. I know you've been watching us. Gauging our actions, measuring our decisions. You understand your duty - first to our cause, secondly to your team. And you meant it when you swore to give your heart. You don't need any advice aside from this: what you choose to do when faced with a difficult situation defines you as a leader. Remember that." 

You nodded silently, hands folded in your lap, contemplating. Did you have what it took to be as ruthless as Erwin? Probably not, you told yourself. But you did have what it took to look after your subordinates like Levi looked after his. 

"You'll be fine." Levi returned to writing, but you noticed the way he occasionally shifted his gaze up towards you, ensuring you were alright. 

"Thank you, Levi." 

You sat in comfortable silence with him until dinner, at which point you joined your teammates in the mess hall. As you approached them, you remembered the advice Levi gave you, and you couldn't help but think about the difficult situations you might face with these three in the future. 


End file.
